121. Mary's Cup of Tea on Healing Your Body Image through Journaling, Social Media, College, & More!
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Today's guest is Mary Jelkovsky—host of the self-love podcast Mary's Cup of Tea, author of The Gift of Self-Love, and inspirational speaker who helps women worldwide on their body-image struggles and loving themselves unconditionally. In this episode, we discuss the dangers of the world of body-building, how to critically consume social media images and avoid comparisons, tips for improving self-love and body image, and advice for starting journaling.
Mary's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/maryscupofteaa/
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About She Persisted (formerly Nevertheless, She Persisted)
After a year and a half of intensive treatment for severe depression and anxiety, 18-year-old Sadie recounts her journey by interviewing family members, professionals, and fellow teens to offer self-improvement tips, DBT education, and personal experiences. She Persisted is the reminder that someone else has been there too and your inspiration to live your life worth living.
a note: this is an automated transcription so please ignore any accidental misspellings!
[00:00:00] Sadie: Welcome to She Persisted. I'm your host, Sadie Sutton, a 19 year old from the Bay Area studying psychology at the University of Penn. She Persisted is the Teen Mental Health Podcast made for teenagers by a teen. In each episode, I'll bring you authentic, accessible, and relatable conversations about every aspect of mental wellness.
[00:00:19] You can expect evidence-based, teen approved resources, coping skills, including lots of D B T insights and education in. Each piece of content you consume, she persisted, Offers you a safe space to feel validated and understood in your struggle, while encouraging you to take ownership of your journey and build your life worth living.
[00:00:37] So let's dive in this week on She persisted.
[00:00:42] Mary: there are very little things you can do, like start going to new places.
[00:00:46] That cliche quote of when a flower doesn't bloom, you don't blame the flower. You change the conditions that it's in. And we're all, you know, flowers or plants in our own regard, and we can do little things. If you visit someplace new, you will find a new part of yourself.
[00:01:04] Sadie: Hello, hello, and welcome back to another episode of She Persisted. Happy Tuesday or whatever day it is that you are listening. I know that you're gonna leave today's episode feeling motivated and confident and inspired and full of self-love because we have the lovely Mary Jill Kaki today on the podcast.
[00:01:21] She is the host of Mary's Cup of Tea. She is the author of The Gift of Self-Love. She is one of my favorite people to follow on Instagram, and I've been following her for a couple years now, and this was just a phenomenal conversation to have with her. We talk all things from her journey with self-love and an eating disorder and how that originated.
[00:01:41] We talk about how social media impacts your mental health and body image and how you can shift this relationship. We talk about how exactly you can start to improve your self love, improve your body image and advice for starting a journaling practice, because This is something Mary found so helpful in her experience.
[00:01:59] And while I've tried to journal, I'm a five minute journaler like I haven't fully mastered that yet. So pick to brain. We got all the tips for how to start and sustain a journaling practice, what she's found helpful, the benefits, et cetera. So I hope you love this episode as much as I did. I hope it helps you wherever you are on your journey with your self-love and body image.
[00:02:21] So with that, let's dive in.
[00:02:23] Thank you so much for joining me today, Mary. I'm so excited to have you on. She persisted and talk all things self love and confidence, and your mental health journey. .
[00:02:31] Mary: Thanks so much for having me. I'm really excited. Of
[00:02:34] Sadie: course. So I'd love to start with your mental health journey.
[00:02:38] What made you decide to start sharing your tips for improving self-love and helping other individuals on their journey to confidence and self-acceptance and improving their self-esteem. .
[00:02:49] Mary: Mm. Well, I struggled a lot with my body image in particular growing up ever since I was like 10, 11 years old. I started dieting really early on and always feeling insecure in my skin.
[00:03:02] That translated to a lot of different problems with self-worth, especially in my relationship with boys and men and. The more of that kind of validation that I received, I would feel good in the moment, but over time I would feel a lot worse. And I just took all of that blame and shame and lack of self-worth and channeled it into my body.
[00:03:30] And I tried to make myself as small as possible to, you know, not get the attention. It was this weird battle between. Like me, but not too much so that I get hurt. And a lot of things related to sexuality and. Worthiness and all of those really difficult elements. So when I was 16, 17 years old, I got into a really ugly industry, which was the body building space, and I started not only working out obsessively, but also competing in bikini fitness competitions.
[00:04:03] And if you've ever seen those, you basically pr out in a tiny little bikini in front of old male judges. And I was 17 years old. And that was my way of like, okay, if I could get a trophy of some sort and prove that my body was good enough, then I'll be happy. And that. Never happened, and instead, I completely destroyed my body, my mind, my soul, and everything just started falling apart.
[00:04:34] So after getting out of that, which was really, really hard, I just started sharing my journey online. I took a really long break off. The internet. And then I slowly but surely came back and just started writing about what had happened and why I quit. I also moved to another country and just started sharing that to my personal little Instagram, you know, and a lot of people, just, women especially started coming forward saying, A very similar thing has happened to me too, or I've felt the same way.
[00:05:06] And from there, my following just started growing. And here we are today.
[00:05:11] Sadie: I love it. It's funny, I occasionally will end up on that side of TikTok with all of the bikini competition and body building content, especially those viral videos where the girls will eat their first cookie after a competition or a donut and you're like, just what is happening here?
[00:05:28] Mary: It's just because that's still, still exists. Yes.
[00:05:31] Sadie: I get these all
[00:05:32] Mary: the time on my for you page. You know, it's crazy. I left and. I looked back for about a year. Okay. But after, there was a moment where I just cleansed everything, like my social media, my Facebook, and it really goes to show just how that algorithm, it does learn from you.
[00:05:47] And it knows that. Yeah, I don't like that. So I haven't seen that kind of stuff in years, years, years, years. So I was kind of hoping that it wasn't as trendy. I guess I'm just hanging out on a different side of the internet. That's like the
[00:06:01] Sadie: funniest thing about TikTok is you realize how many of these different niches that you're just never aware of.
[00:06:06] I have never attempted body building. I well go to the gym sometimes, but I'm always like, self discipline is so bad. But sometimes you get these random videos that pops up and there's these niches for these kinds of things. And just like seeing the emotions go across these girls' faces from not having, eating this one thing for like six or eight weeks, spending all of this time working towards this goal.
[00:06:26] It's just. . It's very interesting from an outsider's perspective to see,
[00:06:31] Mary: Yeah, yeah. And I was that person. And behind the scenes, you know, we would film the first few bites, but we wouldn't film us binge eating ourselves into a coma and then, Going into these vicious cycles of feeling really guilty and ashamed and then starting over again the next day, but then somehow falling back into the cycle.
[00:06:50] And this would just go on for months and years. And there were some women that I competed with that were literally in their forties, fifties, sixties, and had kids in a family, and they would still be. Living like that, just in this never ending vicious cycle. PS I just wanna say it's not that you don't have the self discipline, you probably just don't enjoy true stereotypical gym workouts and that's okay.
[00:07:13] I don't
[00:07:14] Sadie: either. Yeah. Running, I'm like would rather not I just do the stair master instead any day than going on a treadmill for 30 minutes and it's not fun for my lungs. It's not fun for me. But yeah. I really love what you said about the algorithm, knowing what you like and what you don't like, and I think that's really true.
[00:07:31] I think a lot of people think about these platforms as having no control over the content that you consume. And it is so not the case. The algorithm is really good at what it does and if you are engaging with content that improves your mood or is funny or is calming or you're using it as a way to self soThe, the algorithm will pick up on that.
[00:07:50] My favorite example is my Instagram explore page because a lot of peoples are I don't know, like fashion or travel, and mine is just dog videos. It's dog videos and nail videos because Instagram knows that if I go to the explore page, that's all I wanna see is cute little dogs and cute.
[00:08:06] To find inspiration for. So being a critical consumer can be a really great way to kind of improve your not even relationship with social media, but the emotions that it evokes when you open those apps and you do have control in that process. It's not something that just happens to you.
[00:08:23] Mary: Yeah.
[00:08:23] You've given me something to think about cuz I think. Everyone, myself included, really likes to shit on Instagram and I've realized TikTok brings me a lot more joy as a consumer, but Instagram is kind of where more of my work is. Mm-hmm. , and that's probably why TikTok brings me a lot more joy is because I'm much newer there.
[00:08:41] I don't use it for work as much, and I just. consume funny stuff. So then I get funny stuff. So TikTok only shows me things that would make me laugh or think and I really enjoy that. Whereas on Instagram, my algorithm over the past 10 years that I've been on there, but more seriously the past five, it just shows me people like me.
[00:09:02] When you're on a platform and you only follow people that are like you, not only are you living in this echo chamber, which is a problem in and of itself, and you're not really learning about anything else, but you're also creating an environment most conducive to comparing yourself to others because.
[00:09:19] We don't compare ourselves to people that are different from us or that inspire us or that we're learning from because we're too busy feeling positively about that experience. Whereas if really close to you, like they're in their same industry, it's the person next door, It's your ex best friend from
[00:09:36] Sadie: high, be the same hair color, like you're following them because they have a similar body type, whatever it is, right?
[00:09:41] Mary: Yeah. Yeah. Whether it's looks or lifestyle. Mm-hmm. , you compare yourself that much more. Brene Brown wrote about this pretty eloquently, and the example she gave is she's a swimmer and when she's swimming, she's not comparing herself to an Olympic athlete. She's comparing herself to the person in the lane next to her and trying to beat them across the lane.
[00:10:00] And that's just human nature. You've given me something to think about that maybe. , not all of the issues in the apps, but some of it is the way we're approaching it. But I mean, so much
[00:10:11] Sadie: of it is just how we're wired, the things that are front of mind when we scroll on these apps.
[00:10:17] The things that get the views and the follows are the things that invoke the negative emotions. It's the click bait. It's the things that are shocking. That's because as humans, we pay more attention to these negative things, and so these apps know this and the algorithms work that way, and so it's Both.
[00:10:31] You have some control and it's being aware of our quote unquote weaknesses and the way that we consume content and news, and we're, we're probably gonna look for the negative things. The things that are shocking will gain more attention and we're curious, we're interested about those things, and they're natural.
[00:10:45] And it's like, okay, how do I counteract that a little bit? And knowing that that's kind of how I'm going into this situation already, being at a bit of a deficit from being just a neutral consumer. ,
[00:10:56] Mary: you are so bright and, okay. One last thing I'm gonna say to this. I actually just had a meeting with my publisher because I'm coming out with a new self-love journal and I was talking about how.
[00:11:07] Instagram just isn't the place that it used to be for me in terms of like the growth that I've experienced and success and even sales and certain brand deals, and that sometimes influences my self-esteem and I. Look back at, you know, what I was sharing five years ago when I was in recovery from an eating disorder where I just dropped out of body building you know, it was this very trendy industry where all I was doing was talking shit about that experience and posting very controversial things.
[00:11:40] You know, back then nobody really knew what diet culture was or how detrimental it was to our mental health and, One of the first that was like really loudly speaking up about it in my images and my posts on Instagram, and I just don't do that anymore because over the years, and this is such a normal reaction, I think anybody who is dealing with or working through anything, you kind of go very far against that thing you're fighting.
[00:12:09] And you swing this direction and I I don't mean it in a negative sense. I mean you have to, It's a necessary part of the healing process have
[00:12:15] to
[00:12:15] Sadie: make it's a strong emotions are coming
[00:12:17] Mary: up. Yeah. and you have to channel those, like your whole life becomes anti diet, culture, anti bodybuilding, anti fitness, anti everything that messed you up in the first place.
[00:12:27] And then eventually, when you find peace with yourself, you find peace with those things too. That to a point where, just like I said at the beginning, not only do they not bother me that much anymore, but I just don't see it. It's not in my circle, my frame of reference. So. All that time back to like, maybe that's why my social media just looks a little bit different is cuz I'm a little bit more at peace and I'm not really posting things to provoke people into those, you know, clicks.
[00:12:53] Yeah.
[00:12:53] Sadie: I love that and I think that's something that anyone can implement if you feel those intense emotions arising when you're scrolling. I've never actually clicked the, like, I don't wanna see this. I just trust the algorithm to work and scroll back. But maybe you do that. If you follow some new creators, maybe you look under different hashtags and fill your feed with things that bring you more joy.
[00:13:13] But I'd love to hear your thoughts. Before you got to the point where you're like, I'm completely at peace with this. When you were in those beginning stages leaving body building, struggling with body image, what were those first steps for someone that is beginning that journey? They're like, I really wanna improve myself, love.
[00:13:31] I'm definitely not where I want to be, but I don't know where to start. What would you say to them and what were some tips from your experie?
[00:13:37] Mary: Yeah. Well, the first thing is your environment. And we, not to belabor the point, but your digital environment is such a huge part of our environment now. You,
[00:13:47] Sadie: you spend so much time on it.
[00:13:48] Yeah. Yeah.
[00:13:50] Mary: You so beautifully summarize that. Like there are parts of it that you're in charge of. For me, my environment, like everything was all. Fitness and beauty standards and body, and I was a freshman at Arizona State University. I was living in Old town Scottsdale with the clubs and the parties and the cosmetic surgeries and all of that.
[00:14:11] I was going to the popular gym in the area because that's like what everybody did and I was doing all those things. So literally the first thing, I wasn't ready to like quit the gym. But the first thing I did was I canceled that membership. I went to a different gym, like maybe where people didn't know me or where it felt like it was a little bit more of a gentler environment as opposed to this masculine, like scary place.
[00:14:35] That was very triggering for me. And I also am very dramatic balls to the wall kind person. . And I did end up moving away to a totally different city country, actually. And I switched universities, which I'm so grateful to, just had the opportunity to do that. And I know not everybody can do that, but there are very little things you can do, like start going to new places.
[00:14:58] That cliche quote of when a flower doesn't bloom, you don't blame the flower. You change the conditions that it's in. And we're all, you know, flowers or plants in our own regard, and we can do little things. If you visit someplace new, you will find a new part of yourself. Whether that's like visiting a new side of TikTok or a new side of your hometown, I think we all know the experience of traveling or going somewhere or meeting someone.
[00:15:27] People are such a big part of your environment that seemed to bring out the best in you, and you're like, Wait, I thought I had all these problems, but for whatever reason, I feel so good and comfortable here or with you. And that's like the first place I would. Is environment. Mm-hmm. really checking the conditions.
[00:15:46] Sadie: Did you notice that the way that you talked to yourself, like your thought patterns, the quintessential, like looking in the mirror, Did you notice that inner dialogue shifted as your environment did or was that its own challenge to kind of navigate and dive into?
[00:16:00] Mary: I think there's a two parter to that.
[00:16:02] Like there were some parts that. Change right away. And there were other parts that I'm like Oh, I can't run away from myself. Some things do follow you for sure, but when I moved from Scottsdale, Arizona to Calgary, Canada.
[00:16:16] Like in Canada, it's cold. People are wearing sweaters. I went to wearing . Yeah. I was in a university in a degree program that was all about intellect. The focus was just different. I didn't join a new gym when I was up with our. Didn't get into like those kinds of communities. So of course, like when I looked at myself in the mirror was I so ashamed and at times disgusted by myself and my weight gain, which for so long I was conditioned to think was the worst thing in the world.
[00:16:45] Yes, but did I make it? my entire self worth to a point where I wouldn't see people or wouldn't talk to anyone or wouldn't like go out, which is things that I would do when living here cuz I was so embarrassed by that. External pressures no. That place really healed that part of me. So I think there are two sides to that.
[00:17:08] So when you're checking the conditions, it is, it is the first step and then you can work outside in mm-hmm. .
[00:17:15] Sadie: I feel like I am on a never ending quest to figure out the best way to be productive and efficient with my time and stay focused when I have to study or do homework or get work done or work on the podcast.
[00:17:27] And I think I have found a solution, it's called Magic Mind, and has been the perfect addition to my morning routine on days that I have a bunch of classes or an exam or just a lot of studying to do. It helps me get an extra boost of caffeine without drinking multiple cups of coffee and being super anxious and overwhelmed and not feeling great physically, but I'm still able to be energized and focused and productive and de-stressed. It has a ton of amazing natural ingredients in it to help you be the most productive, focused, and de-stressed as possible. My favorite is Maia, because it has less caffeine and coffee, but your body absorbs it better. It also has Al theanine, which helps reduce stress.
[00:18:05] So rather than having three cups of coffee being riddled with anxiety and overwhelmed, you were able to be focused and in the zone.
[00:18:12] the Magic Mind team was so sweet. They gave me a code for 40% off, but it only lasts 10 days. So the code is cheap, persisted. You will get 40% off your subscription. You could also go to magic mind.co, not.com/she persisted. Again, that's magic mind.co/she persisted and get 40% off your subscription for the next 10 days.
[00:18:32] So you have a journal coming out. I'd love to hear your thoughts on how journaling plays a role in this, and then for people that like the idea of journaling but haven't journaled before tips for kind of starting out that process and having that be a tool in their toolbox, in their journey.
[00:18:48] Mary: I think everyone know. The benefits of journaling, or, I hope that everybody knows and I, I think that it's one of those things that everyone, myself included is like, Oh, I gotta start journaling, and you just never do. It's like meditating , right? Yeah, that I cannot speak to that because I've been thinking about doing it for.
[00:19:10] I have years and I, you know, it's funny, I listen to meditation podcasts, but I cannot bring myself to do it. It's just more difficult. Yeah.
[00:19:18] Sadie: It's just a whole different, You're like, it's five minutes, but you're like, But it's five minutes. I'll do it tomorrow.
[00:19:22] Mary: Tomorrow. . It's the same thing about me and my writing.
[00:19:25] Like I saved so many prompts or things I want to write. Do I ever do it? No, exactly. So I think journaling is very much one of those things, and I received this advice from a dear friend who is an avid journaler. This was before I wrote the Self-Love Journal in 2020, right as the pandemic started.
[00:19:44] We all know what went down. Everything was really scary and uncertain. And my boyfriend at the time now fiance, was one of the first people to get covid, and he was down for a month. Wow. And because things were so new and weird, it wasn't something that I wanted to share publicly right away.
[00:20:05] Only to be bombarded with opinions. So I was like, Okay, yeah, I have never taken a social media break. Maybe I should try and one of my intentions for this break while being alone and his main caretaker as he was like passed out in the other room, stress that, Yeah. Pretty much like the only way for me, Oh, and it's really hot in Arizona, is June and Arizona.
[00:20:29] Oh God. So I was just strapped in the house, like could not
[00:20:31] Sadie: even, and no one knew what to do at that point. You're like, do we wipe down boxes? Do you drink more water? Exactly like the mask sort of thing.
[00:20:37] Mary: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was back when like they said, Don't even go outside. So I'm like sitting here in this exact spot and journaling was one of the things.
[00:20:47] And I picked up a book called The Artist's Way. And it's a very, Intense approach to journaling because it's all about unlocking your creativity. And of course it was a battle for me. So I reached out to my girlfriend. She gave me this advice. She's like, instead of trying to sit down and journal all these pages, like your expectations are, why don't you just sit down and journal for one minute?
[00:21:11] Tell yourself that you're gonna journal for one minute or write one sentence, like maybe you start by writing one sentence a day. And it's one of those I guess mental hacks that when you make a micro, micro, the micro weest goal for yourself ever, not only are you gonna accomplish it, but you're probably also gonna exceed it.
[00:21:33] And no matter how small the goal, it's gonna feel good. It's like a making your bed kind of thing. Even though it's just making your bed, it's going to make you feel a little bit better about life. And for me, journaling was one of those things. So I think people who are trying to journal, like do one minute or write one sentence and just start there and let that be enough.
[00:21:59] Yeah,
[00:22:00] Sadie: I really like the Five Minute Journal as well. Whenever I do it, I'm like, Is this really journaling? But it's just such a, a nice way to have really clear prompts. There's a nice little quote in there. You do your gratitude, you say what you're looking forward to. It's a very.
[00:22:13] Simple way to add that into your routine, and then you can build on it. And I, I totally relate to what you're talking about, the micro habits. I remember at one point in therapy, I was like, I wanna start moving more and exercising more because it was covid, I was getting like 250 steps a day and I was like, something's gotta change.
[00:22:32] This is not great. For my mental health, for my physical health, anything. But because there was no habit established whatsoever, I was having the most difficult. Like going on walks or being consistent with moving. And so my therapist was like, You're just gonna do five jumping jacks once a day.
[00:22:49] And I remember even that for some reason was kind of difficult and it was less about the task itself, but about the habit building and remembering to do it and following through and I was like, Oh, I forgot to do that yesterday. But starting so small to the point where you're like, Can this even be a goal?
[00:23:03] And then building that consistency. And I think it's interesting to think. This concept from the book Atomic Habits, where it's the idea of are your habits leading to an identity or are your habits leading to an outcome? And it's the idea of being like, I'm working out to become, I don't know, like the kind of person that goes to the gym or the kind of person that takes daily walks or an athlete or however you wanna describe it, versus I'm working out to lose five pounds.
[00:23:29] And it's like the difference between your. goal ending when you hit whatever that is, versus having something that is consistent and long term and becomes a part of your identity and continues to have benefits. And I think. Really helpful to think about, especially with things like journaling or daily things whether it's reading or meditating.
[00:23:50] Yeah. Like even if you're doing that one minute writing down a string of thoughts. If you're doing that every day, you're a journaler. You're doing the thing. Yeah. And I think we just get so in our heads about, What it should mean to journal every day or to meditate. It's like, no, realistically you're not gonna go and sit outside in the freezing cold for an hour to like test your mental strength and just be with your thoughts all the time.
[00:24:11] Like, that doesn't have to be the definition. Yeah. But the consistency does so much for self-esteem and confidence and just goal setting and mental health in general.
[00:24:21] Mary: Yes. I love that example and how it translates like. Working out to lose five pounds as opposed to to be a more active person or get more activity in my life, or journaling to solve all of my life's problems in one session and write my next novel or screenplay versus, because I, I wanna take a proactive micro step for my mental health and consistency.
[00:24:45] It's its own kind of discipline and I'm like atomic habits. It's. The superior kind of discipline. If you do one minute every day for 365 days, that is so much cooler than doing 365 minutes of binge journaling or whatever that is. One day. Yeah.
[00:25:05] Sadie: Yeah. Mm-hmm. A hundred percent. I, I love that. If you could give one reminder to someone who's really struggling with their, their confidence, their body image, their self-esteem right now that you wish you would've heard back at the beginning of your journey, what would it be?
[00:25:22] Mary: Ooh. One piece of advice. Okay. The biggest thing, and I talk about this in my TED Talk. and I'm like, Do I over talk about this? But I really think there's no such, It's a new audience. Let's go for it. . Yeah. And also like even if, if you've heard it or you watch it or whatever, it's one of those things that like, I have to remind myself of it every day.
[00:25:43] And I came up with it and this is the sentence, your body is not an image, it's an experience. So every time you're like, Oh my God, how does my body look? Oh my God, how does it look to them? What should I wear? What am I perceived as? And you're in that trap of self-objectification, which is basically our default at this point because of our image driven society.
[00:26:15] Side note, I often question about how I play into this. Just being on social media and seeing that front facing camera all the time is part of my job. Yeah. So for me, that's like why I have to self-talk my way through it. But before it was because I was spending so much time looking at my body instead of feeling in it and enjoying it and what it does for me I think a lot about how even the word body image is kind of deceiving because it is again, all about that perception and what if we stepped away from that for a second? What if like fuck your perception of your body, Like who cares what you think it looks like and
[00:26:54] Sadie: like, you'll never truly experience your body like objectively and see that image.
[00:26:59] Yeah. It's the fact that. So much time freaking out about it and thinking about it and ruminating and doing all these things to shift it. It's like why? It doesn't really make sense when you logically think
[00:27:10] Mary: about it. . Yep. And notice how I said like, I'm not saying who cares what you look like. I mean, that's Okay.
[00:27:16] Easier said than done. Everybody to some extent probably cares what they look like. I'm saying, who cares what you think you look like? It's so, just like you said, you're not getting an accurate picture. No matter. You know how everybody kind of hates the sound of their own voice unless you
[00:27:32] Sadie: have a podcast and you just listen to it all the time.
[00:27:36] Mary: I can't even listen to the sound of my own voice. It feels so weird because it was
[00:27:39] Sadie: like a muscle. I had to like really work up to it and I'm like, Oh, I guess that makes sense what I'm saying. Beginning
[00:27:44] Mary: I was like, And you did that kind of exposure therapy and it worked. It works. Maybe I should listen to myself more often, but every time it makes me go up.
[00:27:51] Because your mouth and your ears and your brain are so close together that you only hear it in a certain way. Echoed, Yeah. in this head space, skeleton of ours. Mm-hmm. . And so when you hear it, like from the outside, you're like, Oh my God, is that how I sound? But yes, sure. That's how you sound, but it's not bad.
[00:28:09] Yeah. And in the same way that's with your body, like you're seeing yourself in this one way. Technically, we never actually see our real self. We only ever see our reflection, which like the way it's mirrored, that's why when it is even, even real. Yeah. , right? Like remember that TikTok trend where they like switched.
[00:28:25] What is that called? Mm-hmm. Like they mirrored it. Yeah. Yeah. And like, or they UNM mirror the focus. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And suddenly you're, Oh God, I'm distorted about that. Yeah. Yeah. Of course if you're scrutinizing yourself that way, you're not gonna feel good, but your body's not an image. It really is an experience.
[00:28:43] And for anybody struggling with body image or body acceptance, feeling comfortable, confident in their skin. Reminding yourself that you don't have to like how your body looks to still enjoy your life. Sometimes you'll have a bad body image day and just give it less significance. Yeah. . And I think the problem with body image, specifically female perception of body image is that we have been taught to put all of our value, most, all of our value into our appearance.
[00:29:16] So it hurts that much more. Whereas, you know, a pimply, scrawny boy like yes. Bullying is real, and self-image is difficult and puberty is hard, and growing is its own beast. But when we look at general trends, boys just don't care as much because they weren't forced to care as much. They didn't grow up from day zero being told that this is the most important thing about them.
[00:29:46] So it's really tough. If you're raised. Girl or woman in this But with these, again, the micro goals, the microsteps, if you're not feeling good in your body, usually it's because you didn't poop that morning. So just move on with your life. Yeah. And do keep going . Yeah. You just keep going.
[00:30:03] I love
[00:30:04] Sadie: that. And at the time that we're recording, The TikTok trend this week is that like zoom filter, where you see your face right next to the front facing camera and it's kind of distorted because the way your selfie camera works, like you're really close to it. It's a little bit rounded and then it zooms out and then you quote unquote see yourself how other people see you.
[00:30:23] And there's so many these videos of people reacting and being like, That's what I look like. Either in a positive or a negative way. And the fact that we just have such skew. Ideas of what we look like from constantly sending Snapchats or Instagram stories or ticks and all these things that you're like, I don't even know what I look like from that direction.
[00:30:41] It just makes you think about how we are viewing ourselves and how inaccurate it is. Because if the way that you view yourself is from like two inches away on your selfie camera, how is that applicable to real life? No one has veering you two inches away through your selfie camera, so not worth spending the mental energy
[00:30:58] Mary: on. Yeah. And that's just become our life. It's so sad. Like even right now on Zoom, I constantly have to hide self view because otherwise I'm talking to you, but I'm looking at myself. That's not natural. Yeah. Or we walk by a window or a car and we're body checking.
[00:31:15] And social media, like you said, sending Snapchats back and forth, we're always seeing that and that's constantly how we're perceiving ourselves and even when we're not. Thinking about that external perception, it's not fun. It's not ideal. It's
[00:31:31] Sadie: like very black mirror matrixy to think about, like if we thought about this 50, a hundred years ago, everyone would be like, What are you talking about?
[00:31:41] Because it just seems so crazy that these are the, the challenges that we're dealing with and the way that we're viewing ourselves and so many teens are struggling. Definitely something needs to shift and I think a lot of the tips that you gave in this episode are a great place to start. Whether it's micro habits with journaling, whether it is changing your both digital and physical environment, and I think all of those are little steps that that help improve.
[00:32:07] Not even the way your body image or the way you see yourself, cuz that's not the point, but the way that you experience life and your body and all of that. So, so many moments of wisdom. Thank you so much for joining me today. Where can listeners follow along with you and continue to consume all your content?
[00:32:21] Mary: I'm at Mary's Cup of Tea across the board, the Mary's Cup of Tea podcast. Instagram is where I mainly hang out cause I'm old, but I'm trying to get up on the TikTok .
[00:32:34] Sadie: Everyone is always like trying to talk. I know, right? It's just, it's like meditating. It's a lot of work. It's gonna happen at some point, but we're not there.
[00:32:43] Mary: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, some of these young people though are killing it. They're so inspiring. Yeah, and I love, I love being a part of that. Yeah. And my website, Marys gift fifty.com, has stuff including bulk of my books, The Gift of Self-Love and 100 Days of Self-Love, which is the new journal that. Has 100 days of self love journaling prompts.
[00:33:04] And Sadie, I just wanna thank you for tying such a beautiful bow onto this conversation, , and being so bright and eloquent. I Oh, thank you. Am going to journal about what we talked about today. Yay. Yeah, there's a lot there. I don't want to
[00:33:18] Sadie: forget. Yeah. I love it. And yeah, thank you so much. I'm so glad we got to do
[00:33:22] Mary: this.
[00:33:23] Same here. Thanks, Sadie.
[00:33:25] Sadie: Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of she persisted. If you enjoyed, make sure to share with a friend or family member, it really helps out the podcast. And if you haven't already leave a review on apple podcasts or Spotify, you can also make sure to follow along at actually persisted podcast on both Instagram and Tik TOK, and check out all the bonus resources, content and information on my website.
[00:33:46] She persisted podcast.com. Thanks for supporting. Keep persisting and I'll see you next week.
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