82. How to Let Go of Expectations + Improve Your Self-Talk feat. Paige Tonz

Jan 12

listen to this episode:

Today’s guest is Paige Tonz—a former D1 athlete and coach helping transform girls into strong women beyond the playing field or court. Paige has worked with 1000+ athletes in her programs and workshops. She believes girls have so many opportunities to dream bigger than they ever imagined. Because sports was and still is such a big part of Paige's life, she has had a first-row ticket to see how the experiences from sports can be a vessel to success in life on and off the field. (bio via paigetonz.com)

Paige's website: https://www.paigetonz.com/

Paige's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/paigetonz/

Paige and I dive into the following topics…

+ Shifting your expectations to be process-based and about things you can control

+ Expectation hangover

+ Test anxiety + the difference between truly learning vs. trying to pass a test

+ The importance of asking those you look up to for advice and insight

+ Steps you can take today to improve your self-confidence

+ Paige's resource recommendations for teens looking to improve self-esteem + self-talk

+ so much more!

Mentioned In The Episode…

+ Ed Mylett on TSC

+ Choose Wonder Over Worry by Amber Rae

+ Alpha Girl Confidence

+ Paige's Self-Talk Practice

SHOP GUEST RECOMMENDATIONS: https://amzn.to/3A69GOC

Episode Sponsor

⚡️This week's episode is brought to you by MagicMind! For 20% off MagicMind—an all-natural energy drink with adaptogens, nootropics, and matcha to boost productivity + focus while decreasing stress—use code 'persisted20' at magicmind.co/persisted

About She Persisted (formerly Nevertheless, She Persisted)

After a year and a half of intensive treatment for severe depression and anxiety, 18-year-old Sadie recounts her journey by interviewing family members, professionals, and fellow teens to offer self-improvement tips, DBT education, and personal experiences. She Persisted is the reminder that someone else has been there too and your inspiration to live your life worth living.

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a note: this is an automated transcription so please ignore any accidental misspellings!

Sadie: Welcome to she persisted.

I'm your host Sadie Sutton. Every Friday, I post interviews about mental health, dialectical behavioral therapy and teenage life. These episodes break down my mental health journey, teach skills to help you cope with life and showcase testimonials from individuals, including teens, just like you, whether you've struggled yourself or just want to improve your mental fitness.

This podcast is your inspiration to live a life you love and keep persisting.

This week on She Persisted. This sounds

Paige: so simple and like fundamental, but just. Taking some time to slow down and just breathe and reminding yourself that everyone else is going through the same things. And we're all struggling with certain things and it's okay to

Sadie: struggle

this week's. DBT scale is going to be the what and how skills from the mindfulness module, the mindfulness skills from DBT or. Favorite ways to practice self care, self love, and improve myself confidence. So the what in house scales are two acronyms. The first one is Neo and that stands for non-judgmentally effectively and one mindfully.

And the what skills, the acronym there is pod participate, observed describe. So the what skills or what you're doing when you're being mindful, you're observing your thoughts. You're observing your emotions, your behaviors, what's going on around you. What can you hear? What can you see, et cetera? You are then describing what you are seeing, hearing, feeling, thinking, et cetera, and you are fully participating in the moment.

So you are sitting with your thoughts. You are breathing in and out. You are not thinking about what is happening tomorrow or what happened last week. You are fully participating, doing one thing at a time. And while you are participating, observing and describing the way that you are doing that, how you are doing that is non-judgmentally.

You are not adding good. Bad or judgment words, you are just stating what happened. So for example, if you're feeling self-conscious and a thought goes through head, like, I don't like this about myself, you would say, I notice I am feeling self-conscious right now. I just had the thought that I don't like this certain thing about myself, or you would label the thing that you don't like about yourself without attaching a positive or negative words.

To it. You were observing and describing in a nonjudgmental manner. Like I just touched on, you are doing this one mindfully one thing at a time we're fully present in the moment. And lastly, you are being effective. You are being as skillful as possible. This one I don't feel is as applicable to.

Mindfulness when you're practicing it through a self care perspective, I feel like it comes into play a lot more when you're interacting with others, but you are being as skillful as possible. You are being effective. So maybe that means giving yourself some more affirmations. Maybe that means really focus on not attaching positive or negative judgment.

Maybe that means doing a little bit more self care and distraction. After this mindfulness process of it brings up a lot of emotions. You are being skillful effective. For what you know, works for you and the situation. So that is the DBT mindfulness, what and how scales, what you're doing is participating, observing, and describing, and how you're doing that as non-judgmentally effectively and one mindfully.

So with that extra skill in your toolbox, let's dive into it. Hello. Hello, and welcome back to another episode of she presses stead. If you are new, welcome, I'm so excited. You're here. Make sure to subscribe. So you don't miss any new episodes. We have a lot of fun content coming in 2022. And I can't wait if you're a returning listener.

Welcome back today. Have a great episode for you with Paige Tonz. She is a girl athlete mindset mentor. So we dive into everything. Student athlete, mental health, increasing confidence, improving self-talk building relationships with people that encourage you to grow and improve finding mentors. Just so many things that are relevant to so many teenage girls.

This is going to be a quick intro, complete transparency. I am halfway through your walk chain girl interrupted right now because it's based on the mental hospital that I went to it's about McLean hospital. At the time that this book was written, it was called Claremont. Um, now it's called McLean and I'm kind of toying around with the idea of doing a podcast episode or some kind of.

So I'm kind of content where I compare, like what's accurate and what's not because there's like a good amount of things that kind of carry on and a good amount of things that are just like, so out of practice, um, if you're not familiar with the movie, it's about this girl who goes to McLean or Claremont, she's struggling with suicidality.

She gets on borderline personality, disorder, diagnosis, and it kind of Chronicles her adventures is not the right word, but it Chronicles her life. In the hospital, at least that's where I've gotten to in the movie. I'm like halfway done right now. It's based on a book. The author did actually stay at McLean hospital.

She wrote about her experiences. It was turned into a movie, right? So her stay was a very long time ago. I'm throwing around words. I want to say since the sixties. Yeah, it is the sixties. Oh my gosh. I'm so on it guys. Um, so it's about her. Stay at McLean in the 1960s, I was at McClain in 2018. So a world of a difference between her stay and.

I stay in how much mental health care has changed. Oh, bald become more humane. The practices are different. It's so much more based in evidence-based treatments now, but there's literally little things I'm noticing like mouth shacks and the tunnels that they do, their walks in. We did our walks in. So it's really interesting.

Let me know if you guys want me to do an episode because I think that could be really fun. Interesting. Segment other things happening this week, I'm doing rush. I am mentally exhausted. I had seven zooms the first day, plus two other meetings. I had five zooms today. Things are crazy. I start school tomorrow morning, and then I'm going back to Philly on Sunday.

So very busy day. I will keep this intro short and sweet so I can go to sleep and be ready to wake up tomorrow. So today's guest is Paige Tonz. She grew up in Arizona and played softball since she was eight years old. She ended up playing D one at Northwestern, and after she wrapped up playing softball, she became a girl's mindset mentor, and she coaches thousands of girls, especially athletes in her programs and workshops, helping them dream bigger, set goals, improve self confidence, all amazing things.

So if you guys want to check out pages work after this episode, her Instagram is @paigetonz. Her website is the same thing. paigetonz.com. So it will all be linked in today's show notes, but I hope you enjoy this episode. And without further ado, let's dive in. Thank you so much for joining me page. I'm so excited to have you on the podcast and I can't wait to dive into this conversation.

I'm so excited to be here. Thanks for having me. Of course, of course. So I want to just start by hearing your story, um, and talking about how you got into working with teenagers, working with girls now. So tell me a little bit about.

Paige: Yeah. So I grew up as an athlete and was just really involved with sports.

And you'll probably hear me talking about softball a little bit, because that was kind of like my main thing. I played club and travel softball as I went through my journey playing and went into, I ended up playing college at Northwestern, uh, playing softball there as well. Something that I. Struggled with was the mental side of the game.

And I didn't quite realize it while I was in the thick of it or it there wasn't like such a, a big emphasis on it as I feel like it's getting bigger and more. There's so much more awareness around it now, which is amazing, but I probably would have just told you that. I don't know, like, I just, don't always like believe in myself or I have like self doubt or really, really afraid of making mistakes or failing.

And I was like the worst at failing. Like it felt like the world was ending anytime I failed or made a mistake or messed up and just, wasn't great at learning from it. But didn't quite realize that until like, Actually not even really my senior year, but it, my senior year is when things shifted for me in college, senior year of college.

And I think it was more like this feeling of, okay. I only have a year left to play this sport that I love that I worked so hard at. And like, I don't, I didn't have any plans on playing any like sort of professional or people go overseas and stuff after I didn't have any plans to do that. I was. Kind of ready to move on to like, you know, what comes next in life and becoming an adult and all of those things.

But I was like, so I had limited time. I was like, so I'm kinda tired of being like frustrated and angry with like, not living up to my expectations or what I feel like other people's expectations were me. So I kind of went out in my senior year with this like attitude or mindset. And know whatever happens, happens.

Like I'm going to just give it my all, I'm going to do my best and I'm going to put it all out there and whatever happens, happens. And that finally like allowed me to just like breathe and just release. Just so much pressure that I was putting on myself. So a lot of the stuff was like a lot of it is all like self-inflicted I think of course, like being an athlete, there's a lot of pressures from, you know, coaches and.

Perspectives and things like that, but I feel like a lot of it came from myself and all of a sudden I started playing great. I was doing amazing. I like doubled my batting average tripled. My, the amount of at-bats that I got, which just meant like more playing time. And I was like having fun doing it. And so once I graduated and we'll skip like the fun, like limbo, not really knowing what the heck I was doing after school.

That's a whole nother story, but. Kind of a fear. I got to a point where I was like, I really want to help girls in this, like self-development space, like learning this mental side of the game and using mental training skills and mindset work to really just. Enjoy being an athlete and be more successful and getting out of their own ways and building more confidence and believing in themselves.

So I had this idea and I started working with girls one-on-one and that led to working with girls in groups. And now I have a program and it's just been amazing to be able to work with lots of preteens and teen athletes. Happened to be girls. I work with girls specifically.

Sadie: So yeah, no, I, I really relate a lot to what you said at the beginning about how you didn't even realize that your, your thought process and how you were.

Interacting with your environment. Wasn't how it had to be. Like, that was the exact same thing for me with my core belief systems and with feeling depressed and, and religious being in a, in a position of suffering, I was like, this is just the norm. This is how it's always going to be. And because it's like our own experiences and we fought them for so long, you don't even think like, oh, it could be different.

Like, I could make this different for myself. This isn't how I have to interact with. With a sport or with it within my relationships or with school. And so I think that's such a universal experience and something I really relate to it's. Yeah. So when we touched base, before this recording, we talked about a couple of different things that we want to cover that are relevant to both student athletes and teenagers in general, that are navigating the ups and downs of teenage life and all the different challenges you experience.

So the first thing I really want to dive into is what you just touched on, which is like letting go of expectations. Results and outcomes. And I think this is true, whether you're playing a sport, whether it's with grades and school, it's so relevant right now to the college application process. I remember having like really strong attachment outcomes with my mental health and with my treatment journey.

So I kind of want to dive into that and talk about the process there, what you can do, why we have expectations for certain outcomes and how we can shift that experience.

Paige: Yeah, totally. It's so hard because there's like I was spending, I was like, we're working with. And I was like, what if you just didn't have any expectations?

And that feels like so scary. Like, especially for a lot, like a lot of us that are like overachievers and we want success and we want a lot out of ourselves. It's like,

Sadie: what? No expense, like having no control over my life. Crazy. That's

Paige: great. And so I was like, okay, we'll back it up since that's totally freaking you out.

And you're like, I need to have like some sort of expectations. I had a conversation with her about, well, what if it's like, you shifted what your expectations were. Yeah. So rather than focusing on the results based expectations, looking at like process-based expectations or basically like things that you can control, like as an app, Going into a game and thinking, okay, my expectations are that I'm going to be like the loudest, like the most communicative leader out there.

Like I am going to make sure, like, I am always picking my teammates up. Like that's a big focus or my, one of my expectations is just like really. Solid like quality at bats or quality, this or quality that rather than I want to go, I want to hit, you know, 3, 4, 5, and have this batting average or this statistic, because I think especially in sports we get, and we get so wrapped up in like the statistics and what those results are.

And those don't always define like how we actually play that day. Just shifting our expectations to, rather than like the results in the statistics, to the things that we can actually. Do I, and I think I, I get caught up into it as like a normal human, human being and business owners. Sometimes it's like, okay, I want to have this many people in my program.

And like, I don't technically don't really have control over any of those things. I have control over. Like who I am or how much I'm reaching out to people or getting gritty with that, or sending personal messages or making sure that I'm showing up on my Instagram story,

Sadie: but like just shifting those

Paige: expectations to.

So things that we can control rather than the results and the outcomes, because I think when we only focus on those results and those outcomes, and we don't hit them, it's like that expectation hangover that we feel it's like, oh my gosh, I didn't hit that goal. And I'm like the worst person ever, like I'm never going to get there.

And that's when all that negative self-talk or just beating ourselves up, kind of goes into place.

Sadie: Absolutely. I think I was listening to a podcast recently. It was the skinny confidential, and it was one of the episodes with ed Myla. And he was talking about how we're so attached to these outcomes, whether it's, again like a certain score or a certain number, these really tangible things, because we think it'll impact how we view.

Like we think if we get to this certain goal, whether like it's, if we think through like the podcast is certain number of downloads, a certain number of followers, a certain number of episodes we'll feel fulfilled or pride or happy. And that's not necessarily the case. Like say you get there, you reach the dream number of downloads.

You reached the dream number of followers, but you haven't invested in the experience and how you're feeling and getting to that emotional point like that. Why would this external tangible thing, get you to that, that mental health perspective. And I think that's so true with what you're talking about with sports as well.

Do you think you get to a certain amount of points or you get to this certain goal it'll automatically change your outlook, your mood, and your, your belief system. But that's not the case if you don't do the work internally. And I think it's, we forget that we forget to focus on the experience and the emotions that are tied to thanks.

And how strong of a role that plays rather than just the, the external, tangible goals that we hit. And I think that's a society thing as well. Like we are very focused. Um, on checking these certain boxes and like graduating and getting into college and getting a job and having these external forms of success.

But if you don't do the emotional work, if you're not internally working towards what those goals are going to get, you you're, you're left with nothing. And then once you get to that point and you're like, what do I do now? You're just completely overwhelmed. You don't know what to do because you're in the exact same spot.

And I think that's something that it takes a long time to realize. And I think is super prevalent in teens as well.

Paige: Totally. I was actually just talking to a girl who wants to be a teacher and we were just talking about schooling and like growth and fixed mindset kind of stuff. And I'm so glad that schools are starting to go that, to teach the growth mindset and what that looks like.

Just because I feel like, like, even looking back at my college experience, I went to an incredible college and there's times I'm like, wait, like. I mean, yes. I learned like in the grand scheme of things and I feel like

Sadie: a while

Paige: ago now, but in the grand scheme of things, yes, I've probably learned a ton of things, but I look back I'm like, what did I even learn?

And like some of these classes, and I like took these tests and, you know, wrote these papers, but I really like even learn anything like, and I think too, like when we fail, like I remember my freshman year, I like, I think really failed my. You contests. And like, all I wanted to do was just passed. Like, I didn't care if I really understood the material or like what it meant to me or any of those things.

I was just like, oh my gosh, just please let me pass. Or else, like, I'm a failure kind of thing. And I think that, that's what we're

Sadie: told. It's like, that is the messaging. Like it's called, you're failing a test. It's not like, oh, you got. 60 on a test, like the, the narrative there and the language is like, you failed the test.

And so it's like, there's no like shortcoming on you. If like you have those beliefs tied there, because that's the messaging that we've received throughout the entire school system and, and through our society who it's so common to have that, that experience.

Paige: Yeah, totally. Okay. I heard one time there.

They're like, okay, if you've got like a 40% on a test, so. Instead of saying you failed it, just being like, well, at least I knew 40% of the information. Now you got to figure out how to learn like the other, you know, 50 to 60% of it. Um, and actually learn instead of just trying to pass a test, I feel like that's like, that happens all the time in class.

It's like, okay, let's just figure out what do I need to pass the test? Um, instead of. Absorbing and learning and growing and these class

Sadie: a hundred percent. No, it's like, oh my God. Totally. No, it's, it's so funny because like, even when you're in the classroom and you listen to the questions that people ask me, it's like, oh, is that on the test?

Like, do I need to know that. Okay. Yeah, like we get that, you're teaching this belief. Do we need to know that? And it's just that, that's how the curriculum is bill. And I think this was true public school. This was true in high school and middle school. It's like. Your, your grade. A lot of the time is predominantly made up of these test scores.

It's not made up and that's the way we test what you've learned. But again, like it's not always an accurate reflection of what you learned is also complicated and there's not like a straightforward answer, but it's so true. You're just checking those boxes and it's, it's very true. It does terrible things for your mental health to be navigating that and have all of that pressure in these extremely high achieving environments in college, surrounded by people who are just as motivated and have the same fear of failing that you do.

And so it's, it's. You, you need the self-compassion you needed to be able to shift that narrative internally and understand that. Okay. Even if you get like literally a 12% on the test, it doesn't change your worth as a person. It's, it's a narrative that you have to rewrite for yourself, and it really does help with your mental health and navigating the situation.

Because when you look back at this from five years from now, like that you just talked about. You don't remember that test or what was on it, or it's not impacting your life now. Like we think it will, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't. So I think another huge part of, of shifting this narrative around success versus failure is the people that you're around when you're in really high achieving environments.

And there can be that really toxic. Narrative of comparing grades or comparing performance. This week's episode is brought to you by magic mind. If you don't already know, I'm starting my spring semester at Penn, I have more classes. The workload is really ramping up. So magic mind is an essential in my routine.

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Paige: Yeah, totally. So I have like a really, I just have this, this like memory and this story that always sticks out when I think about this and being on a team and as an athlete and sometimes. You, you can't control all the time, who you're surrounded by, right? Like, you know, maybe it's like your presser classmates or like, like you don't really have a choice at some points unless they are like in your own free spare time.

Or it could be family.

Sadie: Sometimes we don't have a choice,

Paige: but especially as an athlete on a team, you know, you have these teammates and you might not like love every single one of them or might not be best friends with every single one of them. And there are times when there are like, Those people that I don't want to call them like toxic, but maybe they just complain a lot or they're really

Sadie: negative energizing.

You it's like not a positive experience for you to interact

Paige: with the energy out of everything. Or like, anytime you go to practice and someone's like, oh, I can't believe we're doing this again today. It's like, oh, like, well, like, you know, just

Sadie: different attitude about it.

Paige: And I. I had this experience where I didn't have a car.

So I was driving with some other, getting a ride with some other team. And I just remember, they were like constantly being super negative and complaining about like coaching practices and the time commitment and like all of these things, Kelly, at one point, like I was getting so

Sadie: tired of it. I was like, tuck and roll out of the car.

I got to get out of the situation. I was like, I gotta get outta here.

Paige: But I think at one point I finally was just like, okay, if you guys are gonna keep doing this. Either, I'm not riding with you guys anymore, or you

Sadie: can stop

Paige: pick one of the two because I'm so over it, I ended up actually just, just shifting who I got a ride with.

And I just, I had to choose my, like myself and my energy and like protecting my energy, my motivation, and just like. Myself in that situation, rather than continuing to let it like drain me and be negative because if I continue to be around that, it was just going to pull me further and further down. But I just it's so amazing.

What happens when you surround yourself with people that. Believe in you and encourage you and support you and even challenge you at times as well. When you feel like you need a little challenge. I, after I graduated, I joined a CrossFit gym and I feel like people hear this all the time. I really like the

Sadie: CrossFit,

Paige: but honestly it was like the absolute best thing.

Ever happened to me because I was just surrounded and it may be as a resist. My specific agenda that I got to go to, I got really lucky or I was really blessed, but I was just surrounded by a lot of people that were just motivated to be better and just showed up every day and were, it's like a pretty encouraging environment.

And like, the more that I got to know those people, I got like my first job from. For those people. I actually met my now husband and, um, like my, what am I? My biggest business mentors I met there and it was just like so many good positive things come from. Surrounding yourself with people that just like, want more out of life and want more for you too, and cheer you on along the way.

And that's been a huge for, for my journey. And then I always encourage my girls and like, just really pay attention to who you're surrounding yourself with, especially in your own time with. Who do you, how do your friends make you feel like, like what kind of do they believe in you or what, you know, the adults that you're around and things like that.

So that's just kind of a really big piece. That has been helpful for me. And then also the girls that I get

Sadie: to mentor. Yeah, no, I, I was, as you were saying that I was going to ask, I was like, okay. So like, where are good places to try and connect with these people that are uplifting around energy? And then I was like, If you're looking internally and you're like, okay, where am I showing up as my best self that's, where you'll connect with other people that are showing up as their best selves in that way.

Like I know for me sometimes I'll be like in a classroom and I'll just be like, have like really low energy. Like obviously I'm not showing up as my best self. Like I wouldn't want to connect with me in that situation. Like that's not a good environment for someone else. Whereas with the podcast, it's somewhere where I'm very passionate and motivated and people are also showing up in that same way.

So I think that's another huge thing is like, there are different ways that you might. Generically like, oh, okay. Like people really like running. I think that's one where a lot of people come together, but if you hate running and you try and go and connect with like-minded people that are like motivated and positive, like it's just not going to work.

So it's like, where do you show up as your best self? Where are you energized and passionate and having a good mindset going there and then looking for other people. Do you think that. With attitudes and mindsets and possibility and people that you connect with, are you in the stance of like, you get like a first impression and you're like, Nope, this isn't gonna work out.

Like, there is no job there. You more like, okay. You like continue to work and grow the relationship. What's your kind of perspective there with surrounding yourself with people that are uplifting to you?

Paige: I think that's a, that's a really good question. I think that. I have like an initial, like gut instinct or reaction, or I'm like drawn to that person based off of like their actions.

And like, I know this sounds so like cheesy, but like when it comes to social media, like I'm drawn to certain people and you know, whether or not it's like. Them being authentic or not, and kind of figure out as you continue to get to know the person. But I just feel like, like I've found mentors or connected with people because I can just like, feel their energy through their social media.

And social media has like a unique way of allowing that to happen through their platform. But I think I kind of lean towards. It's kind of like a gut instinct, a gut reaction. And maybe I should think about that a little bit more and give people a little bit more time to like, grow that relationship.

Cause I'm probably missing things and really great people that maybe I wouldn't put enough, like time and effort into.

Sadie: Yeah. Yes and no, but I also feel like you have that initial, like, energy that you can connect with people. Like obviously, maybe someone's having an off day. So like you continue to, to kind of be open to a relationship.

But I think like when you really gel with someone, like, obviously you're gonna want. Invest in that relationship more than someone that you just had a terrible interaction with. Right. So I think there's a lot of wisdom there and I think that's really true. Um, so when you were talking about your story, you talked about self doubt and insecurity may not be the best word, but kind of talking about fear of failure and perfectionism on.

And so I want to talk about when you're struggling with self doubt and how you kind of shifted that into confidence and how people could do that. Because I think this is. Biggest things that teens struggle with. We see this is statistics. We know how much teens struggle with self esteem and feeling good about themselves in so many different aspects of life, whether it's body image or school or sports, all these different kinds of things.

So what are your tips there? Because I think it's so intertwined with expectations and also your community, all of these things are connected. So let's dive into that for sure.

Paige: So something that I wish that I would have done more is really. I mean, like, I definitely noticed when there was more successful, like teammates or more successful athletes or students, like you notice, like, you're like, oh, I wish I could be like her, or I wish I was, you know, performing like that.

Or, you know, getting the statistics that she's getting. Like, why, like, why am I not like. Like, we all notice those people that are doing really well. But what I didn't do was I didn't ask them, like, what was creating that for them, like, and like asking them, like how, how are you feeling so confident? Like when you go to batter, how are you feeling so confident when you were preparing for a test?

Like just starting to ask questions. How are they getting that success or how are they feeling so good about something? How are they believing in themselves? And it, I mean, I think. It feels weird or like, oh, they're going to think we're so stupid or, or something. And I think that happens a lot with girls, teens pre-teens is we think that if we ask questions, like we're going to look dumb, but I always tell the girls I'm like, you have to ask questions because it is the shortcut.

And you're asking questions from the people that are like doing it. They're successful. They're doing the things that you want to do. Then you are going to get this. You are going to get insight from somebody that's already made the mistakes or already figured out what does work or what doesn't work.

And of course everyone's different. Certain things are going to work for certain people, but I just wish that it was. Like picked people's brains more, which is something that I feel like I do a lot now, anytime, like, like the social media thing, I'm like, oh, that girl is crushing it. Or like, that is real.

Like, I love what she's doing or. Um, like how did she get there? I will literally, like, I have no shame in like reaching out to people, Instagram, even people that I don't know and just asking them to connect. And if I can just pick their brain a little bit and find out, you know, how they got to where they are, usually people want to help.

Like they love talking. Like we love talking about ourselves and sharing how, know where we are and laughing about, oh, like this thing really didn't work. Like try this instead. Like people love to give advice and help. And if someone says no, or it doesn't have the time or just doesn't respond, like just move on to the next person.

It's usually not a personal thing. It's honestly, usually like a time thing or they're just.

Sadie: No, it goes back to what we were talking about earlier in the episode where we're so focused on the outcome and our expectations that we really lose the emphasis on the process, the internal experience, how people get there.

And I think that's just such a common thread and that's tied to your relationships. Your relationships are a huge part in getting to that end goal and having a positive, emotional experience throughout, and the same thing with your inner dialogue and yourself out. And so it's just, it's all connected.

It's it's crazy. What is your advice for teen athletes and student athletes who are struggling on with feeling that balance that, that control that ownership of navigating the situation they're like, I'm overwhelmed. I'm feeling like I'm struggling with this. I'm not feeling confident. What is your advice to someone who's in that Headspace?

Right. Hmm. That's

Paige: a really good, good question. So I think like the first piece of advice is to like, seek that help, reach out to someone that. You know, w uh, a lot of student athletes in college, they there have access to sports psychologists and people. I wish that I would have taken advantage of those opportunities a lot more in college.

So people that can help you in that space, I would say, like, starting to reach out to those people or mentors that you could see, or even. Like a senior, like an older player, like reaching out for help or asking them like, you know, how did you get through this? Like, this is so overwhelming. There's so much to do.

Or I'm like, I know freshmen like that early freshman year. Insane. Like you're getting all these things thrown at you and trying to figure it out. So I think reaching out for help, but I also think just simple, like this sounds so simple and like fundamental, but just taking some time to slow down and just breathe and reminding yourself that everyone else is going through the same things.

And we're all struggling with certain things and it's okay to struggle at anything. It's just that. It's really learning that self-awareness of like what you're telling yourself and what you're thinking about, because if you continue to tell yourself, oh my gosh, I'm overwhelmed, overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed.

Then we're going to constantly feel overwhelmed.

Sadie: Most manifesting it.

Paige: Yeah. So it's like that self starting to really work in shift. You know, how you're thinking about your situation or yourself and having like better pump in not only it doesn't only have to be positive, self-talk like, it doesn't have to be like cheesy, positive self-talk, but just like telling yourself different things or seeing stuff, something in a different perspective.

I think that that's like one of the biggest things and even like girls that go through my program. Even if they didn't learn anything, they have so much like such better self awareness. What they think about themselves, what they're saying, what they're thinking about and knowing like, okay, like, I probably shouldn't be like, constantly thinking about this or like saying these things.

So what do I do now? So at least they get to that point and have that, like that self-awareness and then we do a lot of work on like, shifting those thoughts and having that, that better self.

Sadie: Yeah. And the awareness is the first part of change. Like if you're not aware of, I don't want to say problem, but if you're not aware that something doesn't feel good to you, or you're not aware that you want to shift something, no change is going to occur.

Like you mean like maybe it's possible if something accidentally shifts, but like the awareness really is that first piece. And it's so powerful. And that was just such a common thread throughout my mental health journey. I want to talk about what your favorite resources are for improving confidence, improving self-talk for teenage girls, because I think that you can, you can have these conversations, you can hear.

Okay. Like I gotta, I gotta shift my narrative. I gotta ask for help, but that can be really daunting. So whether it's books, podcasts, people to follow on social media, a habit you can implement, what do you recommend?

Paige: Yeah, definitely. So I, you know, I think that a lot of, there's not a lot of, I mean, maybe there is, I don't know.

I just, I feel like a lot of my girls don't listen to podcasts and things like that, but it's something that I wish that I would have done or listened to more audibles. I think that when we're like, oh, I creeped over, like in school, Rick, we're reading so much, we're doing so much homework, you know, to read another book, but just to like get on audible.

And start listening to some different, like self development and leadership and just looking around and finding some things. I mean, I definitely have like a

Sadie: list of like automobiles and books and things that I think are super helpful. I want to hear them give me like your three favorites.

Paige: Ooh. So I really love, oh my gosh.

I'm like the workers about titles and authors, Amber Ray. She has a, she, what is it called? Choose. Wonder over worry. Seton was like, this one is so good. This is like my favorite. I think this is one of my favorite books of all time. Like

Sadie: I have so

Paige: many tags in here. Just highlights and things, because it has like some, it has lots of journal prompts and stuff.

So I think that one's a really great way. And she's coming out with another one. I have it. Pre-ordered already podcasts for girls and teens. I would say some of my. One of my, my favorite ones are like more busy.

Sadie: Yeah. Yeah. But I would

Paige: say like, like one of my friends has a really great one and it's called alpha girl competence.

And they're really like short, quick, easy to digest tips and mental training skills. And then. My, I have a couple of other friends who they mentor girls. They don't have to be athletes or anything just it's called girls mentorship and they have a podcast and there's this really great as well. So I think, I think there's this just called girls man mentorship podcast.

So those are a couple of ones that I would suggest for girls, but I would say this book is so good. Choose, wonder or worry. I think we. Tend to worry a lot. And that's when, like the doubts and the fears and all these, and she talks a lot about how to shift that. And I think I just felt like it really resonated for me as like an overachiever, which is what I think a lot of the girls that I, I see and I work with, they, like, they want a lot out of themselves and they want more, but they get in their own way.

Yeah. So that one's really good with the journal prompts. And then of course my shameless plug, I have a tool I'm a freebie, which is a self-talk practice. So it's just like a, kind of like a video series of learning about how important self talk is, how to start shifting that. And then it comes with like some iPhone wallpapers and some fun things like a poster affirmations poster in there.

So it's kind of like a funny. A few things to start thinking about what you're, what you're thinking about.

Sadie: I love it. What are the most common concerns, worries, fears, challenges that girls are coming to you with it with. Is it like struggling with relationships? Is it more internal? Is it again wanting to like achieve those external goals?

What are the things you're constantly hearing that teens are like, I need support with this.

Paige: I think. The biggest things is getting moving past mistakes, moving past failures and getting over those things, whether it's on the field or court, or if it's in school or, you know, at home or things like that, especially.

It's like they get into the college recruiting and college admissions. Like, they're like, Hey, like I'm sending emails to coaches or I'm, you know, applying and I'm not getting in. And they just, they feel like it, it like so personal and

Sadie: like that, I mean, how can you not have that narrative? Like you are showing someone all the best parts of yourself to possibly, and a lot of the times get rejected.

Like, it, it, it feels personal. And I know. It's not personal. There's so much more that goes into it. Like there's so much that's at play, but it's really hard to get out of that mindset because it really, really does feel personal because you're sharing so much about yourself and then decision is being made about you.

Paige: Yeah. And I mean, the same thing for mistakes is like they think that, you know, people are going to make fun of them or think differently about them. If you don't get into this school or you make a mistake on the field and it's. It's really figuring out and working with them on shifting the way they think about it and seeing failure.

I think for so long, we think like failure is bad. Failure is bad. Failure is bad and starting to have like shift our minds to this concept. Okay. Failure is just like a stepping stone, right? It's just one, one more thing that is going to help me learn. It's gonna help me get better for the next opportunity in front of me.

And once they start to figure that out, they like a lot, like they finally like, like allow themselves to a release like that, that like beating themselves up, feeling.

Sadie: What is one thing that listeners can do with them the next couple of days, weeks to see, or start to experience like a shift and their, their confidence they're there in our monologue.

They're kind of interactions within their, their lived experiences.

Paige: Yeah, I think the greatest things is to just write down your thoughts. And that seems really broad, but like when you're having negative or frustrated or like overwhelmed thoughts, like just write the. Like, it's almost like venting to the paper, like, okay, I'm really not like feeling this or I don't feel motivated.

And like, I can never sit down and get my homework done and it takes me like hours and hours. I'm wasting time. I don't know. I'm like totally making up these thoughts. Like just getting them down and just noticing, okay. Like, are these. Just thoughts or are they facts and figuring out, okay, how can I, I'm going to like, like, how can I see this differently?

Or how can I look at this in a, any more positive perspective? So maybe it's like, you know, we write down, like, I feel like I'm going to fail this algebra test a couple of days. Instead thinking about, okay, well, I have, you know, a few more days to, to really work on like what I need to know or learn the material better or ask for help.

Like I have, like, I can use my resources to feel more confident in the test rather than being like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna fail. I'm gonna fail and to fail. So just like writing them down and just starting to notice. Okay. Like I'm having those negative thoughts they're happening. And then the hard part is figuring out what to do with them and shifting those, but that, that comes with practice and just writing down those positive reinforcements or affirmations or new beliefs that you

Sadie: mean.

I love that so much. So if listeners want to continue to engage with your content, work with you, tell me where they can find you different ways to continue to work on their confidence and, and their inner monologue and all of that.

Paige: Yeah, definitely. And that kind of what I just shared, like what sends something that they can do in the next couple of days that self-talk practice the free self-talk practice that I had is a great, like, guide for that.

And it'll really help. They're like practice writing down new affirmations. It's like uncomfortable at burst writing, like nice things about yourself and it feels weird, but it gets them start to practice and think about that. So they can find that on my website, which is just page ons.com. Exactly how my name is.

And then I hang out a lot on Instagram, on there with stories and tips and inspiration, and you know, the testimonials from my girls for like hope and looking at like what, you know, if they do start to work on their mindset or focus on their mindset, like what could happen there and showing them like the.

What is possible. So I think those are like the two main, main places that they would get a lot of resources and value

Sadie: from. I love that. I just think it's so important. The gift that you can give yourself when you start to invest in your mindset and your, your inner monologue and your, your confidence and your self esteem as a teenager, it's like one of the hardest points in your life.

And I think it's a kind of universal experience that that's when your, your struggle. The most with those internal thoughts with your self esteem, with how you feel about yourself, and yet, if you can conquer those feelings, those thoughts, those beliefs at that point, like you are set no matter what you're experiencing throughout college throughout later on in life, like you have the tools in your toolbox to be able to handle those challenge with grace and with ease because you've done it before.

And I think it's just to be able to invest in that early on. So powerful and so helpful. And I, I can't recommend it enough, so I absolutely love that you're doing that with teens.

Paige: Now. It just reminded me of like, even though like, even those negative thoughts that come up or like self doubt or self, like you're, you're not having like a lot of self-worth for like a.

I don't even know how to like, say that not, you don't have a lot of self worth or those things like it. That's okay. Like, that's those thoughts and those things are totally normal. And that's one of the things I always want my girls to know that I'm working with is like, it's okay to have negative. And put it away.

They're not going away. Like, that's just, you like trying to figure out how to get better. And it just means that you care. So just knowing even like, if you write down those negative thoughts and those fears or doubts or whatever, they are, like, those are normal and those are totally okay. It's just figuring out how to shift them so that you can like live.

You're in your purpose and be at your best, the best version of you and enjoy the process and things like that. So,

Sadie: no, I completely agree. It's really about being able, like you're always going to experience them. You're always going to have low moments and, and struggle with these things. Being able to navigate them and work through them without like letting them control you and dictate everything in your life. And so, again, it's, it's a, an amazing gift and tool that you can give yourself and it's applicable to so many situations and just so, so important.

Well, thank you so much for joining me. I'm so glad we got to sit down and have this conversation and yeah. Thank you. Thank you for

Paige: allowing me to talk about. All the mental stuff is so fun.

Sadie: I completely agree. Well awesome. In case you skipped the end page, and I talked about shifting your expectations to be process-based, rather than things that you can't control.

We talk about expectation hangover. We talk about test and performance, anxiety, and the difference between truly learning versus just trying to pass a test or get through a benchmark. We talked about the importance of asking. To those that you look up to for advice and insight, we talk all about improving self confidence.

Self-talk pages, favorite resources for teens that are looking to improve both their confidence and self-talk, and so much more. If you enjoyed this week's episode, please share it with a friend or family member who you think would enjoy it. Make sure to leave a review on apple podcasts, subscribe, wherever you're listening, and for more bonus content information.

My Instagram is actually persisted podcast. If you tag me in a story of you listening, I'll repost it and give you a little shout out. And my website is sheep resisted podcast.com. Thanks for listening. And I will see you next week.

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