86. The Teenage Girl's Guide to Increasing Confidence, Self-Esteem, and Self-Love feat. The Teen Life Coach, Sami Halvorsen

Feb 8

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Today I'm joined by Sami Halvorsen, the host of The Teen Life Coach podcast and the founder of Knowing Up. In this episode, Sami and I discuss her personal journey with self-love, the most common challenges teens struggle with, the importance of being proud of ourselves and celebrating little wins, beginning your self-compassion journey, why teens today are struggling more than ever with self-esteem, how low confidence can impact your life, and how self-love and self-confidence are connected!

Sami's Website: https://knowingup.com/

Sami's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelifecoachforteengirls/

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About She Persisted (formerly Nevertheless, She Persisted)

After a year and a half of intensive treatment for severe depression and anxiety, 18-year-old Sadie recounts her journey by interviewing family members, professionals, and fellow teens to offer self-improvement tips, DBT education, and personal experiences. She Persisted is the reminder that someone else has been there too and your inspiration to live your life worth living.

a note: this is an automated transcription so please ignore any accidental misspellings!

Sadie: Welcome to she persisted. I'm your host Sadie Sutton. Every Friday, I post interviews about mental health dialectical behavioral therapy and teenage life. These episodes break down my mental health journey. Teach skills to help you cope with life and showcase testimonials from individuals, including teens.

Whether you've struggled yourself or just want to improve your mental fitness. This podcast is your inspiration to live a life you love and keep persisting this week on She Persisted…

Sami: we can change the way that we think about ourselves and view our worth and view our value. Then we can ultimately change our result, which is.

And joining who we are and being the best version of ourselves and letting the world get to know us and letting the world get to know of our goodness.

Sadie: Hello. Hello, and welcome back to another episode of . I am so excited For today's podcast. I have Sami Halverson on the podcast. She's the host of the teen life coach podcast. And this was a really cool full circle moment because I remember back when I was doing some market research, if you could even call it that when I started she persisted, I was trying to find teen podcasts, team, mental health podcasts, and there really weren't any, and that's one of the reasons I decided to do a podcast, but one of the podcasts that I did come into contact with was the teen life coach podcast, which Sammy hosts, which is really cool to see that there were individuals out there that were sharing mental health tips and tricks specifically for teens. And so I've been a huge admirer of what she's been doing for years at this point. And so being able to do a fun little podcast swap was a dream come true.

This is the first half of the swap. The episode on Sammy's show will come out in the next few months, but this is an amazing interview talking all about Sammy's experiences. Um, her tips for improving confidence. And my goal for this episode was to meet.

Uh, applicable to everyone. You don't need a diagnosis. You don't need experience in mental health treatment. You don't need some crazy laundry list of mental health challenges to resonate with this episode to have tips that you can implement in your life and feel supported. And that was my goal for this.

And I think that we executed. If you are not familiar with Sammy, she struggled with anxiety and comparison as a young girl. And then once she saw her daughters and her kids growing up, she wanted to create a resource that really helped teens navigate teenage life, because it is a challenge as we all know.

So she is a life coach and her mission is to help other girls develop confidence and face their fears. If you want to connect with Sammy, her podcast is called the teen life coach. Her website is knowing up.com and her Instagram is at the life coach for teen girls. And all of that will be linked in today's show notes as always. I hope you enjoy and let's dive in.

Well, thank you so much for joining me today, Sami. I'm so excited to have you on the podcast. Thank you for

Sami: having me. I'm excited to be here today.

And just to share my story and also. I feel like your story is so close to home for me that I'm just. There's this there's a special place in my heart for, for the struggle that teams are going through right now,

Sadie: absolutely into. So Universal's, while everyone's struggling at, at T to some degree with, with what our world looks like right now and what it's like to be a teenager with all these.

More, all these inputs, whether it's social media and school stress and the college process, and we're in a pandemic. And so it's just a totally different ball game and an all teenagers are navigating challenges. So one thing that I wanted to talk about today is. All teenagers are experiencing some type of challenges with their mental health, regardless of if they're needing a diagnosis or there's a huge degree of abnormality.

When I talk about mental health, I really like to do approach from the perspective of explaining depression and anxiety as emotions. Like when we broke it down, anxieties and emotion, depression is an emotion. And when they get super big and overwhelming and interfere with their life a lot, we move into the area of them becoming a diagnosis and a district.

But a lot of teens do experience these emotions and these challenges in their life. And I really want to bring light to that conversation because all teens experience anxiety, at some point, all teens experience, stress, all teens experience, feelings of insecurity and loneliness. It's just part of growing up.

And so for this episode, I really wanted to dive into challenges that all teens experience, even if they don't feel like they're like struggling with their mental health, 'cause I feel like that's a conversation I haven't really had on the podcast before, because we do focus so much on like huge challenges that are interfering with your life.

So that's my hope for today's episode. And I, I really want to dive into confidence because I feel like that is something that teens struggle with, that doesn't necessarily come with a diagnosis or for like clinical side of things. But it's. Real challenge that a lot of teens struggle with. So before we dive into all that I wanted to hear about your story and how you became a teen life coach to really lay the foundation for, for listeners.

Sami: Yeah. So I just turned 40 at the beginning of the week and I'm like, I'm happy birthday. There's like, so, so much to share, but I'll, I'll try to make it quick where As a teen, I struggled with anxiety and depression in high school. And this was in the day and age when we didn't have social media. And we didn't really like cell phones were just starting to be a thing and the internet was just starting to be a thing.

And so I struggled with those things back then when I didn't have a million images of girls to compare myself to. And so I started with anxiety and depression. My parents had no idea what was going on. I eventually had an eating disorder in high school and college, and then you know, got my heartbroken by the person who I thought was like my lifelong dream person.

And then, you know, I finally did get married to the love of my life and You know, wanted to have kids. My, my first child ended up being stillborn and, and that was like a huge, huge struggle for me. And then, you know, when we were finally able to be blessed with kids I had, I struggled with postpartum depression, and then, and then my sister passed away and there was just like all these circumstances in my life that I was like, I could not control no matter what I did, I could not control.

And I just, I struggled to love myself. And you know, now that I have four kids and they're, and they're growing up and they're having their own mental challenges and it's almost like I had to wait until my thirties to really figure out how to love myself. Right. Yeah. And I see my teen girls at my kids and they all have their struggles.

We're not doing it this way. We have to change the way that we teach our teen girls to love ourselves. And we have to change the conversation that being wanted. That's where you get your happiness from and being desirable. That's where you get your happiness from. Whereas, you know, Anxiety when, when we can't be our true selves, that's when we have anxiety.

And it's just, it's just learning how to love yourself and accept yourself the way that you are. And I think that's something that. It doesn't come naturally. And I think it needs to be taught and agree. And so that's, that's what I do. I teach teenage girls how to love themselves, how to have self confidence, just because I wish I had these when I was younger.

And I wish I just know that I caused myself so much unnecessary suffering because I did not know how to love myself. I could not control the things that were happening in my life. And there, I just struggled to have compassion and forgiveness and to love myself for the challenges that I was going through.

And, you know, I wasn't perfect. I'm never going to be perfect. And you know, this world you're expected to be perfect. I feel like. And so teaching, teaching girls and teens, how to love themselves, even if they're not perfect, that's, that's kind of where I ended up.

Sadie: Yeah, no, I know. I love that. And I think there's a lot of parallel.

To our story. I'm one of four kids, so I love that kind of parallel. It's really cool to see how you're changing the way that your kids grow up and changing the way that they view self-love and self-compassion. And I think that is something that is really at the core of, of mental health work. And I think it's something that it was only after I was out of that deep hole of like depression and anxiety and struggling that I was like, wow, this has.

So much more of a role than I thought it did. And I remember more recently, I was like really toying around with the idea of like, what if depression is just in a really big way, a lack of self-compassion. And there's a lot more of like complexity there, but I was thinking about the symptoms that a lot of the time we, we experience whether it's like a struggle to keep ourselves together, whether it's get out of bed, maintain your activities of daily, living your.

Enjoying the activities you used to. And a lot of these are acts of self-compassion and self-love that you just get out of habit with. So it's a really interesting conversation to think about. And it's, it's at the core of functioning well and feeling good about your mental health. One thing that I want to touch on.

I think that one of the biggest things, when you're struggling, that can be so validating and a game changer is to hear that someone else has been there too, and someone else gets it and that you're not alone. So big picture, super big high-level what are some of the most common challenges that teens come to you with that they're like this socks?

All the time that teens think they're alone, they're struggling alone with it. No one has ever experienced before, but you're like if only you knew that every single teenager out there has been there.

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Sami: Yeah. So, so the first one that comes comes to mind is just. You know, getting up out of bed in the morning and the anxiety about going to school.

I have so many clients and so many teens that I work with that they just have the hardest time even getting to school in the morning. The panic, the anxiety is so bad and the reason is because of, and these are such common bots. Is, am I going to have anybody to sit with at lunch? Just am I going to have anybody to sit with at lunch today at school?

Are my friends going to talk to me? Who's going to be mad at me. Right. Those fears just about social things and heading to school, that is such a common thing. Right. Am I going to get judged? Am I going to get laughed at when I stand up and give my presentation in class today? Like who's, who's going to make fun of me, you know, like I, I feel like that's one of the most common things that I coach on with girls is just even trying to get them.

Get themselves to school every day because the anxiety is so,

Sadie: yeah. And I mean, when you look at it's no wonder that feels like an isolating experience because every, almost everyone gets to the point of being at school. Like everyone has to go to school. I run it. So you'd be like, no one else must be experiencing this.

Like, I must be alone in this huge barrier. I get to the point of being in class, but it's something that, that we all have thoughts about. We all have challenges with. And so I love that in a, something that is very universal. You wouldn't think lots of people are struggling with, is there anything else that you hear all the time and

Sami: every, and everybody shows up at school and they're like, they're fine.

Sadie: Exactly. Exactly.

Sami: I barely even got here. The ride to school was horrible. My boss yelling at me.

Sadie: No, a hundred percent.

Sami: Yeah. And, and you know what, that's personally, that's been such a struggle in my home too, is the on, on a personal note, as the anxiety leading up to trying to get your child to school, who's only about this.

For me now it's like being on the other side of things where now I'm not so much the anxious teenager, but I'm parenting parenting, the anxious teenager and her anxiety gives me anxiety. And so. You know, trying to coach or work through somebody with anxiety. It's a struggle for those who even have just the simple challenge of trying to get to school every

Sadie: day.

Yeah, no, it makes me think about what my parents went through when I was struggling to get to school. I could only imagine, like I put them through the ringer. I was at a point where I was literally sleeping on their floor because I was just like struggling so much. They were like, Yeah, we don't. There was just, that was the step we take in and they would get up in the morning.

They'd get ready to go to work, to drop their kids off at school. And I just wouldn't move. I would just be laying in bed like comatose. If I was like, I'm not going to school today. It's not happening. My dad would like be playing Alexa symphony music at volume 10. And he di Sadie today determines the rest of your.

If you don't get out of bed, you're not going to get into college. You're not going to get a job. You have to go to school. And I was like, still comatose. If I was like, it's not happening, dad, I'm not going to school or go to school with my mom. She finally dropped me off an hour later. I called her. I'm like, I need to go home.

You got to come pick me up. So like, I can only imagine what that's like from the parents' perspective, too. I just, I can't even wrap my head around it because it seems so far away, but no, I I've been there. My parents have been through what you've been through. And so it's, it's again, something you don't think other people struggle with, but they totally do.

Yeah.

Sami: And I think the other part of that is too is why we so often forget to be proud of ourselves. And, and when we do make it to school, like we're so hard on ourselves and we're. Oh, I had so much anxiety this morning, or, yeah, but I'm like, you guys, you guys, you made it to school so much there to be proud of.

And I just think that sometimes we forget to have that self-love and be like proud of ourselves for the challenges, even though they don't seem like a hard challenge or they don't seem like anything like really big, like, like celebrate. Love yourself for it and consider it as a win because it's hard some days it's really, really hard.

And when you can, you know, get through that exposure and get through that challenge, like, I think it's really, really important on the other side to be like, Hey self, good

Sadie: job. Yes, absolutely. I couldn't agree more. What other common concerns, challenges do teens come to you?

Sami: Oh, my gosh. There's so many,

Sadie: a little rapid fire, no needs, like go in deep with what the reasoning,

Sami: Comparing ourselves with others.

That's always, always such a big one. A lot of times I'll, I'll ask girls I'm like, tell me. Tell me just five things that you love about yourself. And they're like, what? And I'm like, yeah. Tell me five things that you love about yourself. And they're kind of like, is that a loud? Like, and they're just like dumbfounded where they're like, I, I don't know.

And I'm like, how do you not know what you love about yourself? And. And it's almost like our brains are trained to think that if we, if we love something about ourselves, then we're going to be arrogant or you're going to be conceited, or we're going to think that we're better than other people. When in reality, when you do love yourself and you have really great opinions about yourself, And you forget about yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. And you have so much more room to love others and involve yourself in other activities and actually live your life rather than being worried about what you look like all the time, or, you know, what your body looks like. Or, you know, if you say the wrong thing, I do so much coaching on people in girls who are always worried about saying the wrong thing or texting the wrong thing, or just like.

Over analyzing and overthinking every thing that they say to a friend or text and just all the social media, like trying to figure out, did they mean this? Did they mean that? Whereas if you, if you truly loved yourself and you had really great opinions of yourself, like I'm not expected to be perfect.

I'm not going to be perfect. Right. And then we allow ourselves to make mistakes and have grace with ourselves and love ourselves instead of like beating ourselves up. I just think that, you know, having good opinions about yourselves and loving yourself is, is so important and it does not lead to arrogance.

It does not lead to conceitedness, you know, loving yourself. Isn't thinking that you're better than somebody else loving herself. Being forgiving and loving yourself no matter what, and being okay with your mistakes and your quote unquote imperfections, right? If that's what we want to call them,

Sadie: if anything, if you like, it allows you to show up as like a more humble, authentic version of yourself and interactions, because you're no longer going into these external.

The relationships, trying to get that validation, trying to feel good enough. You can just come as you are and be there to support the other person instead of like, needing to feel, get your cup filled yourself because you are practicing self-love. And I think we forget about that. Like, if we do the work on ourselves, we can show up as a better version of ourselves in our relationships and our interactions.

And, and we forget about.

Sami: Yeah. And, and I kind of mentioned this a little bit earlier where we we are so socialized, you know, as women, I would say mainly into our Western society, but we, we really are socialized to, to believe that being wanted is happening. Right. And being wanted, being validated, being told how great we are.

Those are the things that actually make us happy where. Those are not the things that make us happy. And, and if that's where we get our happiness and our confidence from, we will always constantly be searching and we will always be grasping for that next thing that makes us feel wanted or makes us feel validated.

And it. So easy to get validation that way. And that's why our brains do it is because all we have to do is like post a picture or say something on Instagram and automatically we can get validated. Right. Whereas when we go to ourselves and try to get validation from ourselves, it's really hard. Yeah.

Sadie: And it's uncomfortable.

Sami: It's so hard. And that's why we don't like to do it.

Sadie: No totally. So we we've touched on the connection between self-love and confidence and that being a common thread that a lot of teens are struggling with. I want to go deep here and give a lot of tips and and just insight for teens to be able to apply in their life and be able to kind of continue on this journey of self love and increasing confidence.

So. What are your top tips for, for teams that come to you and are like, Hey, I'm really struggling with confidence. I'm really struggling with comparison. I just don't feel good about myself. Where do you go for.

Sami: Yeah. So I think, I think the first part that I do a lot of teaching about the brain and, and what one thing to, to understand here is that our brains are wired to constantly be looking for what's wrong.

And that is a survival mechanism for, for us, like And, and Siamese necessary. So like if I'm walking across the street and I see a car and it's about to hit me, like, I want my anxiety to kick in and get you out of the

Sadie: way. Of

Sami: course. Right. Totally. And so, so we're just sort of survivally.

Sadie: Why don't you programmed?

Sami: I don't know when the correct words, there are programmed to constantly be looking for what's wrong and that's how we have stayed alive. And that is how we have evolved. And, you know, nowadays we use that brain to constantly be looking for what's wrong with us, and if we let our brains. Do its thing. Then we will constantly be looking for what's wrong with us and comparing ourselves to other people.

And if we are not the same as other people, then we make that mean that something is wrong with us. And so if we can train our brains to. Not always be looking for what's wrong and not let our brains run the show because sometimes they just do a really bad job of it.

Sadie: No, we get in the way of ourselves.

Sami: Yeah. And I think it's more of like, like leading your brain, showing your brain where to go rather than following your brain. Right. And, and I, I kinda, I kinda think of it as we have a new puppy. I've been working with the dog trainer because the puppy is being really naughty and he's teaching me how to lead my dog rather than let my dog take me where my dog wants to go total.

And I just think that's kind of how our brains are, where if we let our brains take us where our brains want to go, we will be focusing on all the things that are wrong with us. And we will just stay there. I, instead of letting our higher brain, which is our prefrontal cortex drive the show and take our brains where we want to go, then, then, I mean, that's, that's just the difference right there.

It's like you are in the driver's seat. You, you get to lead your brain where you want it. Where you want your brain to be led. And it's so important to be deliberate about that and really put the opinions and thoughts in your head about that you want to have in your head about, about yourself. Like, what do you want to think about yourself?

What are your opinions about yourself? Just, just finding evidence in yourself that you are amazing and that you're worthy and that you're valuable and it doesn't matter. Whether who wants you more, who thinks this about you, but, but yeah, just, just kind of leading yourself. Another way to describe it is, is talking to yourself more than listening to your.

Sadie: I love that. I love what you said there about kind of leaning towards using the critical thinking part of your prefrontal cortex. And I, I love understanding why teenagers are so at risk to develop things like depression and anxiety, like we are in a developmentally critical period at that point in your life.

And our prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed until our twenties. So teenagers are already. Like more susceptible to being more emotional, being less rational. And that's why we see this huge peak of mental disorders and mental illness and mental health challenges happening from like 12 to 15.

That's what the data shows. It's what the research shows. And so. This is what we need. We need the education. We need the information of, okay, you're already kind of predesignated to be more emotional, to lean into that side of yourself. So what can we do to balance that out? Like it'll come naturally in your twenties, but like, let's get ahead of the curve.

Let's make this easier, easier on ourselves. How can we really focus on being rational, being, trying to logic through things and bouncing out that really emotional part of being a teenager. So I love that so much. I kind of wanted to hear your perspective. I think we talked a little bit about why teenagers do struggle so much with confidence.

We talked a bit about like societal messaging, about needing external validation. We did talk about how we're, we're more emotional rather than rational, but are there any other things that come to mind with why teenagers, especially today in 2022 are struggling so much with confidence and self.

Well, it's a big question.

Sami: I do. I do have to think Snapchat and Tik TOK for providing me with a really good business.

And I hate to say like, it's all social media, but I, I think one of the biggest things there is that. Not to say that social media is a lie, but it's not the whole truth. And, and when we continue to see not the whole truth, we believe that that's what our lives should be like. And we believe that that's what people are like.

They're happy all the time and they're always on vacation and they don't have any problems. And. Their stomach is always slab because they're taking the picture of themselves when they first wake up in the morning. No, they're not taking the picture of themselves

Sadie: a big meal,

Sami: you know? And so I just think that we have access is such a concentrated source of what our lives should be like.

That. That we forget almost. Being authentic is actually an okay thing. And that being authentic is a part of life and, and in negative emotions are a part of life and having hard things happen to us and having trials and difficulties and feeling uncomfortable that those are also a part of life. And I'm just like, how often do we.

Do we post on Instagram, the whole story. And how often do we talk about when we're uncomfortable and how hard things are for us? And, you know, we, we, we post the good, which, which is, is, is normal. And I mean, I post the good too, right? Nobody wants no one

Sadie: real,

Sami: nobody wants to hear my sob stories. Right. But.

But like, it's almost like since we, since we don't post those things, we're ashamed of them. And we hide them where as that's, that's not really who we are or being, being human is, is the good and the ugly. And I just think that has so much to do with anxiety because when we feel like we cannot. Be our true selves, the good and the ugly.

Like it just, it does. Doesn't sit well within our body because we know we're not really being who we are. And I think that's a lot of stuff with a lot of the reasons for anxiety in self-confidence and how to overcome anxiety by being self-confidence is because self-confidence is you truly accepting who you are, the good, the bad, the ugly, the.

Sadie: Yeah, all of it. No, I love what you said about how easy it is to kind of re really just cultivate that highlight reel. And I was talking last week with my dad about how we're seeing all these new, like Tik TOK TV reality shows, like that's the thing that's happening right now. And I was comparing it to the Kardashians, which is a hugely successful reality show, which has like how many crazy number of seasons.

And now it's going to be a new show, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't, I don't know the numbers. I can't speak for sure. I haven't watched all of them, but the tick-tock shows aren't getting as much success. Right. And I was like, it's, I can immediately pinpoint why that is. And it's because when you shoot a 15, second technical.

And post it, it is so easy to create a completely false, perfect video. You can do 37 shoots. You can get the right lighting. You can write a script for yourself to make sure that it's funny. You can ask for feedback all for that ten second clip. And that's all that people know about you. Whereas with something like the Kardashians, which again is like a very molded, personified version of people still.

It's a lot more, it's not a 15 second video. You're seeing a lot more of their life. There's a whole paparazzi thing, like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I feel like that's the big difference there, which is that once you're, once you have a camera crew following around these people, 24 hours a day, versus that ten second clip, you realize like, wow, like maybe that ten second clip.

Wasn't actually what's going on all the time. And it's because it's so easy to. Make that ten second version of yourself that you're portraying be false and be the best version of you that you possibly could. And I think we really do forget that. What are some of the impacts that low confidence can have on your life?

Sami: Yeah, so. I just, I know you've done a lot of, I know you've done a lot of CBT and for, for listeners that I kind of use those initials, but like cognitive behavioral therapy. And if, if we I think that the easiest way to explain it is just to kind of walk through the the process of it, where your circumstance is is you, you, you exist.

You are an amazing person on this planet. Okay. You exist. The next part is our thought about ourself, which is our opinion about ourself. If we constantly have the thought. I'm not good enough. And that thought is constantly playing in our brain. Then we are going to feel unworthy or depressed or sad. And then when we feel sad or unworthy or depressed and all those kinds of emotions, because we're thinking I'm not good enough, then we take actions from that place, which are.

When we're, when we're sad and depressed, what do we do? We stay in bed.

Sadie: We hole up, we isolate all of those things. Yeah, we

Sami: avoid. And we distract ourselves from living our lives and we scroll on our homes and we look at all of the ways in which we are not good enough. Our brain is really, really good at gathering all the evidence to support what we're believing.

Right. And so when we stay in our bed and we don't live our lives, like our result is that we. We don't get out there and we don't expose ourselves to the world and we don't enjoy being who we are, which is such a gift. And people around us don't get to enjoy us either. And, and so I just think that, you know, when we, when we train our brains to think I'm not good enough, or nobody likes me, or nobody wants to be my friend.

Or nobody cares about me. We, we actually ended up, we actually ended up causing our own result in that sort of way, where nobody has a chance to get to know you. Nobody has a chance to love on you because they don't ever see you or nobody talks to because. You're not around or you have your head down or something like that.

So, so if, if we can change the way that we think about ourselves and view our worth and view our value, then we can ultimately change our result, which is enjoying who we are and being the best version of ourselves and letting the world get to know us and letting the world get to know of our goodness.

And. And just, I don't know. I just feel like there's so many amazing things about everybody on this earth and we're also different and we all have so much to offer that. If we can believe that the world wants what we have to offer. Then the world will the world, the world one Bryce

Sadie: ass. Yeah. Yeah, no, a hundred percent.

If you could give one piece of advice to a teenager who's currently struggling with their confidence, what would it be?

Sami: Oh, I am.

I to laugh here because I have so much, this is, you know, this is just something that my sister would say to me, you know, when, when I was in high school and I'd call her up on the phone and I'd be like, this boy just broke up with me for the first time. And you know, one of the things she always said to me was, you know, what, there's life after high school.

There's there's so much more than, than this right now. Also it, it gets better. It totally gets better. And sometimes we don't realize and understand how bad that we, how bad we really feel, just because we're so used to it. But there's so many people out there who are willing to help you. You There's so many options of how we can feel better and how it can learn to be self confident.

And if you are feeling depressed or you're feeling super negative or super anxious, Those things are treatable. Yeah. And, and there's, there's people that devote their lives to treating this and they love what they do. And so there's no, there's no shame. There's no judgment in, in getting help for any of those things.

And there is always a way to feel better and to get the help that.

Sadie: Absolutely. I loved what you said about like, there's so much more to come than what's happening right now. And that was something that I, I used to run. I meant remind myself of all the time in high school and still in college. And I'm like, the goal is not to peak in high school.

The goal is not to peak in college. So why am I like holding myself to that standard? I have to remind myself that, like, this is never the plan. Like we're not. The goal here is not to be the best version of ourselves junior year of high school, and then just go downwards from there. So I think that's something that's really helpful to remember that you're, you're still on your journey.

You're still on the up and up. Things are still going to improve and get so much better. And we forget that because we're in the here and now. And we know that from a psychological perspective, we're really, really bad at predicting our futures. We think that things that are happening right now will have a much bigger impact in our futures and they really do.

We think that right now is. Again, just indicative of what's going to happen in the future when that's not necessarily the case. And so it's, it's a hard thing to remember, but when you do you remind yourself that right now is not necessarily what your life will look like for the rest of your life? It really does.

I hope

Sami: not. I think if, I think back to my, you know, a lot of times in junior high and high school, sometimes that's like the worst version of, of who we are. And we're, we're doing so much learning and we're doing so much of trying to figure out even who the heck we are. And, and it's really hard to just get stuck in that place where, you know, This, this is it, right?

Yeah. You know, every, everything, every little thing matters right now, whereas yeah. Hopefully high school is not where we're going to

Sadie: peak. Yes, exactly. Exactly. I think something that's important to understand and unpack a little bit is how self-love and self-esteem relate to confidence. There's definitely a link there, but I think it's not one that everyone knows or understands completely.

So from your respective, how are those two things? Can.

Sami: Okay. I actually love, love, love this question. So, so the way that I teach self-confidence is self-confidence does not mean that you already have this. It does not mean that you are already really cute or pretty, or it does not mean that you are a good dancer or you're just like born with public speaking skills.

Sadie: Right?

Sami: So actually what self-confidence is it. It is the ability to be vulnerable and open up yourself to negative emotion. Okay. And I'm going to give you an example to explain that. Okay. So say, I'm say I'm going, I'm trying to make some friends. All right. And I am self-conscious. All right. That means I'm going to go up to somebody and I'm going to say hi, and I am going to let it be awkward, as awkward as possible.

Right. And, and that's what self-confident people do is they allow themselves the awkwardness. And even now, like when I meet somebody, I'm like, oh yeah, this is awkward. It's it's just awkward. And the awkwardness is going to be there. And self-confident people, they let it be. Right. They, they let themselves be open to being judged and they let themselves be vulnerable and they let themselves be laughed at right.

And, and when we're not, self-confident we run away from being laughed at, we run away from the awkward conversations. We run away from being judged. We run away from being embarrassed. Right. And so it's not that self-confident people don't feel any of those negative emotions, but they allow them. To feel those negative emotions and they open themselves up to it.

So anytime we, we want to make friends, it's going to be awkward. We're going to be judged. People are going to look at us, right. And, and we allow ourselves that anytime, anytime that we get up in front of people and we, and we talk, we are allowing ourselves to be judged and we're going to feel embarrassed.

People are going to make comments about us. And the self-confident people, they embrace that and they know that that's part of it. Any, anything worth having, you have to go through negative emotion to get it. And it that's how it is with self-confidence like you have to put in the work to go through all the negative emotion to get yourself.

And I think it just, it builds on itself. You know, the more and more awkward conversations you have, the better you get having awkward conversations and that's, and that's eventually where your self-confidence come from, comes from. Right? The more, the more people that laugh about you, about the way that you look and the more you embrace it and your, you let yourself be vulnerable.

It's like, yeah, that that's, that's how you gain your self confidence by going through all those negative

Sadie: emotions. Absolutely. If there is one thing that a listener can do today or tomorrow to start to work on their self-confidence to start to work on their self love, what would it be?

Sami: Oh, well, There's so many assaults that teen, teen swamp, they want to make friends.

They want everybody to like them. They never want to say the wrong thing. They, they, they just want to be validated. They want to be seen and they want to be heard. And so I think, oh gosh, there's so, so many things here. I think, I think the thing that I would say is in order to be, to start your journey on being self-confident is to not expect yourself to be perfect.

Right? Know that you're going to make mistakes. And that people around you, aren't going to be forget. I think we forget that the people around us are human too, and that they don't expect perfection, you know? And I think that we forget to, to trust in our friends and to know that that they'll embrace us even in our imperfect newness that I, I also think that we forget that people have an amazing ability to love.

And that they're not always talking about us and that they're not always saying

Sadie: something heads worried about what they're looking like and expecting perfection of themselves. So they're not, they're not worried about how you're portraying yours.

Sami: Yeah, totally. And and so I just think that, you know, w allow ourselves to, to first be human and to be imperfect and to be judged right.

But even though we're judged, we're still loved.

Sadie: Yeah. I love that. What are like your top three resources for teens? Whether it's a podcast, a book, a show, something like that, that you constantly recommend?

Sami: Oh I have, I have a few well, dear to my heart my daughter, my daughter has. It's pretty severe OCD and anxiety.

And so I do, I do a lot of listening to Natasha Daniels. Hers is. Oh, she has a, she has a parenting and anxiety podcast. And I don't remember I'm I'm would mess up her name if I try to give it to you. But if you just Googled Natasha Daniels, she has so many, so many good resources and I've worked with her personally.

Especially for parents trying to raise kids with anxiety and OCD. I just feel like her, her work is gold and trying to, trying to understand how, how to parent a child with it's hard. It really, really is hard. Kate Gladden is another one that I love. She's she's written she's written a social, a teens, teens guide to social skills.

She's written a book. She just came out with a workbook. Both of those things are really, really great. And then Kate Gladden also has a podcast too. That's amazing. Joey firmly found. Coaching. They do great work over there. Usually people will come to me and there'll be like, Hey, I need a coach for my teen stand and I'll be like, I'll send them over there.

Mainly, I mean, there, there, there's a small group of us that are, that are doing this work. And I feel like it's growing, which is super exciting because I am. I feel like it's so needed. And so more and more there's more and more stuff is coming up more and more resources are coming for our teams.

And I just get so excited when I see it because I'm like, yes, our teams, our teams need it and, and the parents need it like re raising our kids nowadays with, with the anxiety they need to be raised differently. And so just trying to educate parents on how to To raise teens with anxiety today. I think, I think it needs to be done before.

Sadie: Yeah, it's interesting. I did an interview. It was a couple of months ago at this point, but it keeps sticking with me. It was with Dr. Eliza Crossman and I said, okay, what are your resources for teenager? Then she said, it's interesting. I'm less worried about the teenagers that are really, really struggling in a big way and are already in treatment if they are working with.

Therapists doctors, psychiatrists, whatever it is, there's like that wraparound everyone's like on the lookout for things, they, they have the group there. I would go to, they have the validation that what they're going through is okay. But she said she was more worried about the kids that aren't presenting like that because they're still struggling.

And the resources aren't as prevalent. There is not that. Wraparound of, okay, this is where you're going to get peer to peer validation. This is an adult telling you that what you're going through is, okay, here are some books you can read. Your parents are on the lookout for these behaviors. And so I think the work that you're doing is so important because it's things like confidence and things like self-love, it's things like insecurity.

It's things like anxiety about getting to school that all teens are struggling with. And we're not talking about enough. We're not normalizing, we're not giving the resources we're not educating about. And so I absolutely love what your.

Sami: Oh, thank you. I'm trying.

Sadie: We all are. We're all trying. Well,

Sami: I'm not perfect.

And I give myself that grace, I'm not perfect. I don't say the right thing all the time. Lots of awkward conversations. But I do love it and I just feel like there, there is such, such a need for it. And you know, it's, it's hit home for me with raising my own kids now where I'm like, This, we just have to do a better job of that.

Teaching, teaching our kids, how to, what are the proper expectations for

Sadie: a teenager? Yeah. Yes, absolutely. Well, if listeners want to connect with you and continue to consume your content, keep up with your work, where can they find. Yeah.

Sami: So I have a podcast it's called the teen life coach podcast. I also have a website it's knowing up.com kind of like growing up, but knowing kind of like teaching kids about, or your brains and how important it is to, to transform your brain so that you can feel better.

And I have programs for parents and teens on there. So you can go to my website and check that out also.

Sadie: I love it. And then do you have an Instagram where people can follow along? Yes. It's

Sami: the life coach

Sadie: for teen girls right there. Love it. Perfect. Well, thank you again for coming on. This is an amazing conversation that I know is going to help so many teenagers.

Awesome.

Sami: Thanks again

Sadie: for having me be here.

So in case you skipped to the end, I asked Sami about the most common concerns that teens bring to her.

We dove in deep with confidence and proving confidence. Why teams struggle with confidence, advice for teens that want to feel more confidence. Um, how self love and self esteem can relate. Confidence and more, if you enjoyed this week's episode, make sure that you leave a review share with a friend or family member.

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So with that, I will see you next Monday.

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