185. "The WORST Year of My Entire Life!!!" - Responding to Reddit Mental Health Posts Pt. 2!

Apr 2

listen to this episode:

In this week's solo episode, I am once again reacting to mental health posts on Reddit! I did a deep-dive on Reddit and am sharing my most *brutally* honest responses and very best advice on a wide range of mental health posts. I also react to some amazing questions that you guys submitted through my website!

I respond to posts on topics including:

+ Signs someone is experiencing depression

+ Flaws with mental health diagnoses

+ Advice on studying psychology in college

+ My troubled teen industry (TTI) experience & how to avoid TTI programs

+ How to start trusting yourself

+ Ways to stop judging others & be less negative

+ so much more!

Mentioned In The Episode…

+ Original Reddit thread

+ Send me your episode topics!

+ She Persisted Ep. 109 ft. Dr. Ruscio

+ She Persisted Ep. 113 ft. Dr. Franco

+ She Persisted Ep. 136 ft. Dr. Mohatt

+ She Persisted Ep. 181 (Pt. 1)

+ The Program

+ Troubled Teen Industry TikTok

+ Unsilenced

SHOP GUEST RECOMMENDATIONS: https://amzn.to/3A69GOC

About She Persisted (formerly Nevertheless, She Persisted)

After a year and a half of intensive treatment for severe depression and anxiety, 18-year-old Sadie recounts her journey by interviewing family members, professionals, and fellow teens to offer self-improvement tips, DBT education, and personal experiences. She Persisted is the reminder that someone else has been there too and your inspiration to live your life worth living.

a note: this is an automated transcription so please ignore any accidental misspellings!

Sadie: Welcome to She Persisted. I'm your host, Sadie Sutton, a 19 year old from the Bay Area studying psychology at the University of Penn. She Persisted is the Teen Mental Health Podcast made for teenagers by a teen. In each episode, I'll bring you authentic, accessible, and relatable conversations about every aspect of mental wellness.

You can expect evidence-based, teen approved resources, coping skills, including lots of D B T insights and education in. Each piece of content you consume, she persisted, Offers you a safe space to feel validated and understood in your struggle, while encouraging you to take ownership of your journey and build your life worth living.

So let's dive in this week on She persisted.

when I was struggling in middle school and high school and I was really depressed and very anxious and using all of these maladaptive coping mechanisms, the biggest thing that really controlled my life was my emotions and the fact that they were so big and so overwhelming and so all consuming That I didn't know if I'd be able to survive experiencing them, . And secondly, didn't trust that I had the skills to navigate them. And so when you don't trust yourself to be able to navigate life, it's really hard to do anything.

Hello, hello, and welcome back to Sheep vs. Dead. I hope you guys are having a good week. If you listened to the last little episode, I responded to Reddit posts and you guys seemed to really like it based on the downloads and the number of people that tuned into that episode. So we're going to do a part two.

We're going to mix in some questions that you guys have asked on the website, as well as some more Reddit posts that I'm going to dig up that kind of relate to things that people generally struggle with. So I really hope you guys enjoy this. If there are other topics you want me to cover in the future for a solo episode or questions that you want answered, definitely let me know.

They can be serious, not serious, whatever is helpful to you guys. So you can always DM, answer the link on the website, email, whatever you want to do. But I hope you guys enjoy this solo episode. And a reminder to enter the Starbucks giveaway every month. I'm picking one listener that wins a gift card to Starbucks and kind of get a coffee on me, a little self care moment.

All you have to do is leave review for the podcast on Apple and send me a screenshot and you're automatically entered. And there are also ways to enter with bonus entries. So check out the show notes for details on that. But to get started with this episode.

, the first one that we're going to answer is a post called, Is This Depression? The person says, I'm not feeling sad or empty or uninterested in everyday things, but I have other problems. I can't feel pleasure in anything. Everything is irritating and nothing can entertain me. Everything is under stimulating , and I often feel restless or manic because of all of this.

So this is a really interesting question and something that has come up a lot in my psychology class and so I'm going to give you guys the perspective on that, which I think is interesting and also valuable when we think about these labels and disorders that we kind of categorize ourselves in sometimes.

So The way that the mental health world works in the clinical world is diagnoses. This isn't strictly true, but in a lot of ways we jump through hoops with regard to diagnoses. It goes everywhere from social anxiety disorder to things like schizophrenia, like we have this huge number of diagnoses that encompass and organize every single aspect of mental health and there are a number of criticisms that come with these diagnoses and if you're like Okay, but like what is this list?

Where does this come from? I've never Taken a psychology class. I don't know what you're talking about here I've heard these labels, but I don't get the context It's this thing called the dsm and the DSM is an acronym for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, and we're currently on the 5th edition. So it's the DSM 5. And this was something that came about in the field of psychology and psychiatry. Because there was a lack of organization and continuity across different clinicians.

This was a way to organize and categorize different symptoms and also have a strict cutoff for what is normal and what is abnormal. And this is the whole question of mental health, and specifically mental illnesses. And if you are find this topic interesting, you have to take abnormal psychology in college.

It's one of my favorite classes I've ever taken. my professor from that class, Dr. Ruscio, actually came on the podcast. We did a phenomenal episode talking all about like the psychology of depression and all these misconceptions and the data that's out there. It is incredible if you're into psychology, so go listen to that.

But Abnormal psychology and the DSM and mental disorders all kind of fit into this category. And when I took this class the first week, we talked about the idea of normal and abnormal, and what makes something normal and abnormal. And in a lot of ways, it's these societal norms, right? Like, If we were bears, and you're like, what are you talking about?

This is the most stupid answer I've ever heard of. But if we were bears, sleeping a lot during the winter and not eating as much and losing weight and not being out in the sun during the day would be really normal. Like, that would be completely on par because we would hibernate. But as humans, if during the winter we're like super isolated and losing weight and having no social interaction and sleeping all the time every single day and not doing any kind of commitments for four months at a time, that would be really concerning.

And we would say, is that major depressive disorder? Is that seasonal effectiveness disorder? Like, what is going on there? Because that's not normal. And so, it's very complex because, again, it is the societal norms and how we judge these different behaviors. But the other important category of mental health is

the idea of distress and impairment. And so, yes, there's this objective thing of is this normal or not normal with regard to the general population, but it's also how much distress does it cause you and how much is it impairing your ability to function. So again, we can go back to this It's like a stupid bear example where if all your other bear friends are hibernating, it's not causing you distress or impairment.

In fact, it's something that is biologically and allowing you to thrive come spring. And so when we think about mental health challenges, we have to think about A, is this abnormal? In the context of society and the commitments that unfortunately we have to fulfill in the hoops that we jump through, whether that's relationship or school or a job or all of these different things.

But really, what's very important here is also, is this causing you distress and is it impairing your ability to function? And in most of these internalizing disorders, what we call things like depression and anxiety, one of the key aspects of the DSM diagnostic criteria is, does this cause you distress?

Is this impairing your ability to function? And so you could have all of these symptoms, and we would be like, okay, that's objectively not normal. But if it's not causing distress or impairment in your ability to function in your life, would that person benefit from receiving treatment and from others being like, Oh my gosh, that's not normal, they must need help if they're perfectly fine and happy and healthy.

And we talked about bears as like a dumb example. We can think about toddlers, like, super not great at regulating emotions, not great at showing up in relationships, not very consistent at showing up with commitments, sleep schedules all over the place, they're gaining weight rapidly because they're growing so quickly.

And so like, again, we think about these things in different contexts and we wouldn't be like, oh my gosh, that baby must be severely depressed. Like, we must take them to therapy and get them CBT immediately. And Like, no, because they're not distressed in that context as normal, but I hope you kind of get the point that I'm saying, which is this idea of distress and impairment is really important, and that's something that is generally subjective and requires some degree of self reflection.

And I'm going to share another fun psychology thing with you that I learned in a lab meeting this week that I hope some of you guys find interesting, but you also might not, and that's okay, you can skip past this. But the DSM is historically what's been used for a long time, and I brought that up because, again, it's one of those hoops that we jumped through, and Having a clinical diagnosis serves a lot of purpose, whether it's being able to get funds to be able to research these different disorders, whether it's getting insurance to improve treatments, whether it's like that sense of validation of like, I know what I'm experiencing is not normal and there's a name for it and there's people like me and blah blah blah blah blah.

But also, mental health really exists on a spectrum, Just like our emotions do. And one person could be very mildly depressed, and it could be causing them some degree of distress, and it could be impairing their life, and they could meet some of the diagnostic criteria, and they could benefit from learning coping skills and getting more support and making positive changes in their life, even if they're not perfect.

Totally on the other end of the spectrum, like not able to get out of bed for months. Their life has completely fallen apart and they're completely overwhelmed and distressed and and impaired and all those things. And so this is one of the biggest things that I talk about on the podcast. And one of the biggest things that I've encountered is this like mental block and belief that it's not bad enough.

others are in a worse position than I am, and therefore, for some reason I must not. be worthy of accessing these resources or getting the support or it's not bad enough that I need to make these changes and if we think of mental health more as a spectrum We acknowledge the fact that we all have the ability to improve our mental health Just like we all have the ability to improve our physical health and we all sit on that like spectrum and dimension to some degree Like being very unhealthy to healthy You I think getting support and asking for help and making those positive changes is more normalized.

Okay, so all of that to say, the DSM serves purposes, but thinking about it from like a dimensional perspective can be kind of more helpful. But again, really asking yourself, is this causing me distress? Is this causing me impairment? And if it is, why wouldn't you switch that? Why wouldn't you make changes that you didn't feel as distressed about that thing in your life? So, going back to the question, they said they're not feeling sad or empty or uninterested in everyday things, which tend to be some of those, like, hallmark, well known symptoms of depression.

They are asked in the DSM, but it also says, I'm not necessarily feeling pleasure, which is something called anhedonia, which is also another symptom. And things are really irritating, which is another symptom of depression in the DSM is increased irritability. Nothing can entertain me, everything feels under stimulating, which again, you're feeling kind of numb.

It's like that anhedonia effect, everything just very muted. And so there's really interesting research about how we interact with stimuli when we are struggling with mental health challenges and depression specifically.

You can have muted reactions to things that are more positive and the inverse is the same. Optimistic individuals pay less attention visually to more negative things. They're in front of them, but they statistically less visual attention than more pessimistic people do. So. Definitely not uncommon.

And then the last thing is feeling really restless because of this. And when I hear restlessness, I often think of anxiety, and anxiety and depression oftentimes go hand in hand. There's a really high comorbidity rate, but all of these things are very common and are associated with depression, and they also aren't.

Like, you might not be depressed, and you might feel a little bit more numb and be a bit more irritated, and so I think just acknowledging like, this is causing me distress, and it's not how I want to feel, and then taking steps to make positive shifts, so.

When it comes to this overall feeling of being numb, this was something I struggled a lot with early in treatment when I had like just taught myself to numb my emotions for so long because they were so uncomfortable to feel. and then even more recently where it's like, I just like being neutral and not being stressed or anxious or sad.

It's just more comfortable to not do that and it's very ineffective. Bye! Um, sitting with your emotions and fully experiencing them and pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone to experience sadness or anger or disconnection or loneliness and the positive emotions as well. feeling empathetic, feeling loved and sitting with that emotional experience as much as possible and maybe journaling about it, maybe listening to music, watching movies that bring out those different emotions will help you get into that pattern of sitting with those experiences rather than feeling more numb and like you're a spectator to those happening.

The next question I'm going to answer is related to psychology and kind of that as a field of study, because a lot of individuals that go into psychology have struggled with their mental health at some point, and I've heard from a good amount of you guys that listen to the podcast that that's an interest and something in college that you're looking to pursue.

And so I wanted to give a quick little bit of advice about going into college if you're interested in psychology. So the first thing is if you're in high school and you have the option to take Intro to Psychology or AP Psychology, definitely take it. It is like the best bird's eye view of the psychology field and you get a really good understanding of what do these classes look like, what do they feel like, what are all the different dimensions.

And there is the abnormal psychology part where we talk about mental illnesses, there whole part of psychology that deals with how does the brain function? What happens when we think about something? Like what parts of the brain are stimulated? And if I remember correctly, there's like multiple units all the different senses.

Like you get kind of more into the cognitive science area. There's developmental psychology and How do our brains develop? How do we develop with respect to our emotions and our thoughts and our relationships? So, there's just so many different aspects and kind of understanding what piques your interest and what those classes feel like and look like is a really great way to kind of feel out the waters in high school especially.

when you get into college sometimes you can get AP credit for Intro to Psychology. I took AP Psych and then I also took Intro to Psych my freshman year of college and I really enjoyed doing it that way because it wasn't fresh content but it still is a lot of content.

Like Intro to Psych moves so quickly, it's a lot of memorization, it's more like a typical STEM class versus other psychology classes. You're engaging more with the material and, , applying a critical lens and thinking more deeply about these things. Intro to Psych is just, like, you're learning all the things really quickly and going from one point to another.

so if you're, like, Is this a class I don't want to take freshman year? I enjoyed it. I thought it was great. And on Penn List it is, like, one of the easiest classes to get an A in. So most people don't perceive psychology classes as being, like, Yeah. insanely challenging compared to STEM or engineering or some of these other crazy class or organic chemistry.

so I think that's kind of helpful context to have. But then when you get to college, if you're like, I'm really interested in this material, I really like this content, and it doesn't mean that you have to be interested in mental illnesses. Maybe you're really interested in sleep. Maybe you're really interested in relationships.

Maybe you're interested in how the brain functions. Maybe you're interested in the senses. Like there's all these different subfields that you can address with regard to psychology. If you want to go into psych, you're going to want to do research. And this is something that no one told me going into college.

And I did pick Penn because people really raved about it with that aspect. They were like, you are able to participate in research and work in labs very early on. And this is very different from some colleges. Like, research is very accessible at Penn. And especially from a psychology perspective, that's a huge win.

So I was really excited about that aspect. but I didn't know what steps you take once you get to college. And what it looks like to participate in research. So. Once you kind of know what your interests are, and I think you'll kind of really quickly be like, Oh, I do not want to learn about areas of the brain, or like, I do not care, what happens when I go to sleep and all the different sleep stages and all these little, like, So, whatever your interests are, You're going to look at professors on your campus that are doing research in that specific area, And they're going to work at labs, and they're all going to have websites that are like, We're in there.

Changing Mind Lab, or like the Behavior and Relationships Lab. Sometimes it's named after the professor. They have names like that. You can Google them and look up labs. Sometimes it's under your college website. Sometimes it's a different URL. But, you're going to figure out what lab they work at. You're going to read a little bit about it and if it's aligned with your interests.

And then when you feel like you can take it on in your schedule, because there's no way I could have done this freshman year, but if you have the bandwidth, sophomore year, or as early as you feel like it's realistic. You're going to apply to be a research assistant and this is how you get experience in psychology and it means working with individuals that are coming into labs to participate in studies and sometimes they're playing games, sometimes they're sharing about their psychological history, sometimes they're getting brain scans, like there's all these different ways that individuals participate in studies.

You start to build relationships with other undergraduate students, graduate students, postdocs, your primary investigator, which is your professor that you're working with, you really just get a feel for the industry and what the next steps look like, which is so, so, so helpful. And you start to build a network.

But yeah, being a research assistant, and you will start to build your skill set. And likely that's either going to be in data collection or data cleaning and data collection is like you are studying something new. So people are probably coming into a lab or. completing surveys online and you're helping with that whole process.

The lab I work at right now, three and four year old kids come into the lab with their parents and they play a bunch of games and we track their physiological data and we do eye tracking and all of these different things. And that's data collection, and then data cleaning is like, okay, we have all of this insane amount of data related to demographic questions and their heart rate for three hours straight, and then analyzing it and doing statistical analysis on what is the relationship between it.

This variable and this variable, and how does depression impact elicited emotion and all of those kinds of things. And so you will start to build your skillset. You'll kind of understand what your interests are and where you wanna end up career wise, as you feel out these different options from talking to people and understanding the the field a little bit more.

And then if you do want to keep pursuing psychology after you graduate and go to a master's program or graduate school or medical school, all of these different things, you're probably going to want to start getting involved in research and that means working on posters and papers and being a co author, but yeah, something that I was not aware of coming to college that like should be on your radar, you should be aware of is.

what the different labs are, what your interests are, and being a research assistant, because it's just part of the psychology experience. So, that's my little advice for you guys. if you like psychology and are interested, but you don't really know what to expect in high school and college, and I'm a junior right now and planning to apply to graduate programs this next year, so if you guys end up being interested in what that process is like and you want more information after it all pans out, let me know. The next question is, Hi, I'm so glad I found your podcast. My 17 year old daughter is currently in 3East. We're still figuring out next steps. Did you go to Montana after that? Where to exactly? This is such an interesting question, and I surprisingly get this question a lot.

And if you follow me on TikTok, you probably know my answer, which is that I do not recommend where I went. I went to a therapeutic boarding school in Montana, and this is a whole other can of worms to unpack, and I promise at some point there are more episodes coming about the trouble teen industry. But when you are pursuing teen mental health care, there is this really interesting divide between evidence based ethical programs with qualified clinicians that are doing really great compassionate intentional work with patients and this other area of treatment programs that are not backed by evidence and are very much for profit and have a history of malpractice and specifically abuse and neglect and kids have died. It's a really crazy part of the mental health space. And if you've ever heard, and most people are familiar with this to some degree with like Paris Hilton stories, she went to a program in the troubled teen industry. The girl from Dr.

Phil, the one that was like, catch me outside. How about that? She got sent to a program by Dr. Phil that was in the Troubled Teen Industry. there's really just a lot more news coverage about it within the past year, which is really incredible and amazing that awareness is increasing. But if you're wondering like, okay, I've never heard of this.

I'm kind of interested. I want to learn more about it. Or you're like, I've heard about the Troubled Teen Industry, like, how can I learn more? definitely watched the program on Netflix. It came out last month. It was phenomenal. I've watched it twice. I just cannot recommend it enough, especially if you're a survivor of the troubled teen industry.

The way they explain that mental experience and what it's like once you leave and kind of waking up to that whole experience and recovering, they just did such a phenomenal job. And we're gonna have one of the experts that was featured in the documentary on the podcast in the coming months, which I'm so excited about.

But yeah, if you're wondering where to start, that's an incredible recommendation that I haven't talked about on the podcast yet, but it just was like and it was number one on Netflix, which I remember seeing that happen and I was like, this is so big for survivors and people speaking out that there is this much attention and interest and discussion around this thing that has impacted so many individuals.

So if you're like, okay, you've mentioned all these terms like trouble teen industry, and this seems like something that's not great, but I'm still confused. I'm going to give you a quick TLDR and then dive a little bit more into like my experience in Montana. And if you're considering steps after a residential program.

What to take into account. So, the Troubled Teen Industry is a collection of treatment programs that are extremely under regulated, they have really under qualified clinicians, they don't have a history of implementing evidence based treatment, and like I mentioned, there is a long history of maltreatment, and you can read more about that on org, They do such a great job breaking this down and explaining how you can get involved and help this cause, but to give you like some numbers, there are over 120, 000 kids in residential programs. Currently, over 350 kids have died in these programs, and there's over 5, 000 programs in the United States.

So, huge industry and it's really such a heartbreaking thing because when you have a teen or an adolescent or child, however you want to explain it, that's struggling with their mental health, they're at a low point. Like, they are so helpless and overwhelmed and probably don't want to get help. Then you have these parents who are at a loss on how they can support their child.

They hate to see them in so much pain. They don't know how to navigate the situation and there's There's not enough educational information out there about how to find programs and what questions to ask and what steps to look for. And so on that note, you should listen to the episode with Dr. Justin Mohat if you're going through that because he is an incredible clinician in the space.

We talked all about how do you navigate finding a treatment program. So definitely listen to that episode as a resource. But you have these two really vulnerable populations, which is the parents of these teens and the teens themselves. And unfortunately, a huge number of programs have taken advantage of these two groups of individuals.

And these programs are, everything from wilderness programs, there's some residential programs.

Things like boot camps, some of them are ranches, therapeutic boarding schools, religious boarding schools, behavioral modification programs, all of those are kind of lumped into this idea that is the Troubled Teen Industry. And I am someone who went to an incredible treatment program.

I went to, residential at 3 East McLean Hospital. It changed my life. It saved my life. They do incredible evidence based work. Their clinicians are of the highest caliber. They're so compassionate. They're so good at what they do. And I had an incredible experience there. And I felt so supported and had so much trust in what they did.

And so treatment works. Treatment is incredible resource for teens and parents that are at a loss with how to move forward and how to support their kid. And unfortunately, there's also programs that don't have those intentions and don't have that quality of care. and unfortunately, the program I went to after McLean , which was in Montana, was more of that experience and, and within the So I was at a therapeutic boarding school in Montana for 14 months.

, and I'll give you guys just some overall, kind of. the experience because very quickly you're like, okay, that's not normal medical care that one experiences. So we're five minutes south of the Canadian border, super isolated, tiniest town ever. there's not a hospital nearby. You're not connected to a university or major medical center, which most reputable programs are.

there were no psychologists on staff. One of the therapists was actually a life coach. The vast majority of your time was spent with individuals that were in entry level minimum wage positions, which people work in the mental health field with all different backgrounds and levels of education.

However, when you are seeing a therapist once a week, but you are in 24 7 mental health care and the complete rest of your time is spent without clinicians, that doesn't totally add up. And that was also really different from 3s, because at 3s you're doing therapy almost every day. You're doing led by a therapist.

Multiple times a day, you're doing skills education, which is led by clinicians every single day. And so it's a very different experience. To enroll in the school, your parents to decide over 51 percent of their custody. So the school and really the corporation, because they belong to a corporation, owns you for however long you were at that school, which for me was 14 months.

there is extremely, extremely, extremely limited contact with family. You can write letters that are faxed twice a week and read by your therapist. You are able to do family therapy after a certain amount of time. Sometimes for some kids, it's like the second week you get there. Sometimes it's longer than that.

After about three months, you earn the quote unquote privilege of a social call to your parents, which is once a week for five minutes, supervised.

The phase system is how you move through the program, and it's basically like a level system. So, it's orientation, acceptance, trust, action, stability, transition, and To get through a level, you have to check off different tasks, you have to get feedback and recommendations from your peers and all the staff, and then this, like, group of staff members vote on whether you go to the next level or not, and if you go to the next level, you get, like, a microscopic increase in privileges.

And, for some girls, it took them, like, a low amount of time during that social call was three months. For some, it was like, six to eight months until they got to talk to their parents on a weekly basis.

The quote unquote therapeutic intervention that was being used was adventure therapy, which, of course, there's literature out there on the benefits of nature. But as a therapeutic intervention for, Adolescent girls that are extremely vulnerable and are struggling with mental disorders. You can't compare that to something like CBT or DBT with regard to outcomes. It was just absolute chaos with what would happen on campus and staff constantly being fired and all of these different things.

A really overwhelming emotional experience to navigate, and definitely like, the worst year of my entire life. and so much after the fact, too, to process and work through with regard to like, relationships with family, and also just what was normalized while I was there, and realizing that like, oh my gosh, I completely accepted and was ingrained in this culture for so long that was so not normal.

but anyways, all of that to say, I do not recommend therapeutic boarding schools. There is no literature that I have come across and I have looked that suggests that long term adolescent care,

like therapeutic boarding schools or wilderness programs or behavioral modification programs, are related to positive psychological outcomes. And in fact, family relationships are one of the biggest correlates with lifelong success and depression and anxiety rates later in life. And I think that's one of the reasons why you never see universities or large hospitals like McLean offering long term residential care.

in a quote unquote school like setting to teens, is that the research does not support it. And it's really counterintuitive to take teens away from their family and home environment for that extended period of time. and that's not to say that like every home environment is positive and supportive, but you need to learn these skills in the environment You're going to be influencing them.

Like if I learned how to do deep breathing in Montana for 14 months, but don't learn any skills at home, like I'm not going to transition and adapt well once I go home, if that makes sense. So all that to say, I definitely do not recommend therapeutic boarding schools. I've yet to come across one that is evidence based with qualified clinicians and no history of.

emotional or physical abuse and the school I went to is currently being sued so, I think that tells you everything you need to know.

another question I got on the website, which I think is related to something I mentioned in a recent episode, which is, what is trusting yourself?

And when I think about what it means to trust myself, I see trust and the ability to cope with and regulate emotions as very synonymous, if that makes sense. I think when I was struggling in middle school and high school and I was really depressed and very anxious and using all of these maladaptive coping mechanisms, the biggest thing that really controlled my life was my emotions and the fact that they were so big and so overwhelming and so all consuming That I didn't know if I'd be able to survive experiencing them, like that in itself was just such an overwhelming experience. And secondly, didn't trust that I had the skills to navigate them. And so when you don't trust yourself to be able to navigate life, it's really hard to do anything. When we don't trust ourselves to be able to be in relationships, or feel happy, or feel sad, or accept love, all of these things that are absolutely essential to being happy and having a sense of well being.

Our world becomes really small and really overwhelming really quickly and the way that you cope with things becomes really ineffective really really fast and that's what I experienced which was that I did everything possible to not experience my emotions and when I did the coping skills that I was using were just extremely ineffective because I didn't have the skill set to be able to cope with things in a healthy way.

So, when I think about trusting yourself, I think about your ability to navigate situations and know that you can navigate them and make it to the other side. Maybe that's a relationship, maybe that's a negative thought about yourself, maybe it is an intense emotion, maybe it's getting rejected, all of these different things I think are challenging experiences that we navigate and that we have to trust ourselves to be able to get through.

Anxiety is another big one, that we have to be able to trust ourselves to navigate. And so, I think this all really comes back to learning the skills, knowing the skills, and implementing them. So when you have those tough moments, you are able to work through them, and also trust that you were able to survive those challenging waves of emotions.

And I've done so many episodes about all the different things that you could be experiencing, whether it's relationship challenges, or negative core belief systems, or anger, or sadness, or shame, and what specific skills you can use to navigate those emotional experiences.

But I think the TLDR here is that when we avoid our emotions, they only amplify. They become so much stronger and more intense. And, similarly, we can learn coping skills as a preventative measure. We can learn the skills before we absolutely need to use them. So, learn what skills to use when you are angry versus sad versus lonely, versus ashamed, versus happy, and all of these different things.

And then when you do experience those, especially in small doses, get practice implementing and using those skills. And every time you use those skills and you overcome that emotional experience, You build that sense of trust with yourself. And what goes hand in hand in that, I think, is inner narrative and your belief systems about how you navigate situations.

And it can be really challenging to rewire our thought patterns and our beliefs when we don't have evidence showing ourselves otherwise. Like, if you were like, okay, I don't trust myself, so I'm going to sit in front of the mirror for 30 days and just say to myself, I trust myself. I have never tried this, so I'm speculating if this worked for you.

I'm so happy. when I think about what would make me believe that I trusted myself is getting 30 days of practice, coping with my emotions, and learning how to cope with them, enjoying myself that I have experienced these things, and I survived 100 percent of those bad days, and when that experience comes around next time, I know I can handle that because I've handled it before.

And so, this is the idea of CBT, which is that we have our thoughts, we have our behaviors, and our emotions. And, we can't change the emotions that we experience because if we try to avoid them, they just become more intense.

But what we can change is the behaviors. And so if we build mastery around the skills we use when we experience those intense emotions and we build up that skill set, we then feel more competent. The emotions are not as intense. And you adjust that belief system that is maybe, I can't do hard things, I can't handle this, I'm not strong enough, I'm too emotional, whatever those negative belief systems are, because it's just not true.

You feel those things, and you've overcome them, and you've used your skills, and you absolutely know how to navigate that effectively. So that would be my advice with regard to trusting yourself and increasing that trust.

This one is titled, Deeply Unhappy with Myself Judging People Constantly. I've always been positive and always promoted a way of life free of any judgment as being negatively judgmental of other people's life is really miserable. Yet lately, that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm deeply unhappy, unsatisfied, and angry at myself, and thus subconsciously looking for someone to put my negative thoughts upon.

It's not fair, but at least these thoughts remain in my head. How can I break free from this way of thinking? Thank you. This is a really hard one, and no one has responded to this reddit post, I think because it's a very challenging thing to navigate, but I think we've, most of us have heard the quote that comparison is the thief of joy, and there's all these little anecdotes around why comparison can be so damaging, and why judgment doesn't serve us, but.

How I would approach this is two things. One, whenever you have a judgment pop into your head, I would really sit with it and unpack what that means. So, for example, , last week, a bunch of college decisions came out.

A bunch of people figured out where they're going to college. And I think a really common experience is jealousy or anger at individuals who are going to a school that you wanted to go to. or being like, why isn't that me? Why didn't that happen to me? Right? Like wanting to be in their position and, and feeling resentful towards them, even though they weren't the ones that made the decisions.

And it was an admission committee or whatever, right? So this idea of resentment towards someone for having something that you want and the thought is like, oh my gosh they're so annoying they don't deserve that or something like that or , I am such a better applicant why didn't I get into that school?

That's the judgment, right? What I would do is I would sit with that and anytime you have that negative thought you're like, okay, pause. I'm gonna really sit with that and unpack what is going on there. And if that was me, I would say, okay, I'm feeling jealous. They have something that I want.

And on the surface, you're like, okay, they're going to this school. They're going to live in this place. But then you think about like what purpose going to college serves. Is it meeting new people and being in a positive community and feeling loved and supported? academic success?

Is it, that path forward to success? Like, you think that them going to that school will get them this, career or long term life that you want? Is it validation or just other people admiring them? You're like, I'm jealous that other people are looking at them being like, wow, that's so cool and, , that is incredible that they did that.

, you wish people were proud of you in that way. So, like, what is the thing that you want and that you are actually jealous about, right? And almost all the time, it's relationships.

It's like you want to feel loved and seen and heard and appreciated. And maybe that's through external success. Maybe it's through the situations people are in and the communities they might be a part of. So that's a really common one. Sometimes you're jealous of others because you feel like their experience is being validated or seen or understood in a way that yours isn't.

Like you haven't created space for that emotional experience that you're navigating. But really get to the root of it and be like, why do I want what they have? And what does me not having that say about myself? And I think that will get you most of the way there. If you're like, okay, I am jealous of them because I am equating them going to this school with them being quote unquote successful.

And I think that if I'm not successful, I won't be good enough for the people in my life. And I won't be loved and supported. And like, we are catastrophizing here, right? Like, this is an effective way to think about things, but when we really unpack it and get it through, what's going on there? And you're like, okay, I don't want to go to X school and be in X class and do this thing.

I just want to feel loved and supported and appreciated. And then you sit with that. And you're like, I don't feel like people are proud of me. I don't feel good enough. I don't feel loved. And Why is that? And then you see how you can get that need met. Maybe it's doing journaling and writing out all the reasons you are so proud of yourself.

Maybe it is celebrating your wins more frequently with family members or friends and really creating that culture of celebrating those little moments.

Maybe it's diving more into your relationships because one of the biggest ways that we feel fulfilled and worthy and loved is by people. Showing those feelings to other people. So maybe it is celebrating those wins in others, or really giving your time and energy to another relationship or another context or something like that.

Doing something kind for someone else is scientifically the way to boost your mood. So, maybe it's something related to that. really unpack it, pull out every single thread until you get to like some deep psychological need that's not being met, sit with that, and then see why isn't this being met in my life and how can I readjust things so that I more accurately feel like I'm feeling seen and heard and loved and whatever the need is.

But that's it. I honestly think you will get a huge sense of relief from just acknowledging what that need is because, like, it's very superficial if you're like, Ugh, I'm so annoyed at that person for going to that school. I wish that was me. you're not coping or experiencing any emotion. It's like a snap judgment and that feeling just intensifies.

But if you really take off all the layers and sit with like, Wow, I don't feel good enough. Does that mean? And take a minute to reflect on that and really understand and sit with that. That honestly, It takes away a lot of the emotional pain and takes a lot of the weight out of the experience. The other thing that I like to do for judgements towards other people, especially jealousy, really Going 120 percent and imagining yourself in that situation.

So the school example is really great. if you were like, oh my gosh, that person is going to that school, I wish I was going to that school, that's my dream school, that's not fair, I should be that person. And then really put yourself in that person's shoes. And it's really easy to do if it's something that's not super similar to you.

And you're like, they're going to this school in this state and they're studying engineering and they're going to such a big program and like it's going to be so great for them and you're like do I really want to live in that place and take engineering classes and take physics like for me I'd be like absolutely not if I was taking engineering class I would be so miserable and so unhappy and that would be my worst nightmare and so really sit with that other person's like life and that thing that you're quote unquote jealous of and do you really want that?

Because most of the time the answer is no. Again, it's like the emotional need, it's not actually their situation. That can also help lessen that experience. But the other thing that I want to bring up here with regard to general irritability and kind of, projecting that unhappiness. relates to loneliness. And there's this really interesting phenomenon with loneliness, and we had Dr. Marissa Franco on the podcast, and she explained this really well, so you should listen to that episode if this resonates. But it's the idea that when we are more lonely and more isolated from people, we feel more irritable.

And so it's more challenging to be in relationships because we are lonely, and therefore we're irritable, and therefore we're finding our interactions less enjoyable. And so it's like you're stuck in this constant loop of I'm annoyed by people, but I'm only going to be not annoyed by people if I spend more time with people.

And so I think that's another thing to keep in mind here. Like if you're feeling really irritable and unhappy and, you know, not having positive feelings in those relationships. Are you lonely? Are you not connected? Is that something that's at play here? Because that can also increase that irritability and feeling of unhappiness.

But I'd say my biggest piece of advice there is to like really untangle that unhappiness and judgment and understand what it's saying about yourself. Because most of the time when we're, actually all the time when we're judging someone else, it's just a reflection of something that's going on for us internally.

So unpack that, and it'll take a lot of the weight out of it. Okay, that's going to be all of our questions for today. I hope you guys enjoyed that. I know it was a little bit all over the place, and we just kind of went deep on, uh, a handful of questions, but if there's anything else you want to be covered in solo episodes, definitely keep me posted.

We can do more themed episodes rather than just like these grab bag of random things, but I love sitting down and talking to you guys about these things, so definitely keep me posted on what you want to hear, and I hope you guys have a great week, and we'll be back next week with an interview. All right, I will talk to you guys soon.

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