241. why you feel RESENTFUL (& how to stop)

Dec 5

listen to this episode:

here’s the truth: you cannot resent someone for a need you’ve never communicated. but most of our day-to-day frustration comes from exactly that — unspoken expectations, misunderstood triggers, and assumptions we never check.

in this solo episode, i walk you through the exact rule, mindset shifts, and dbt skills i use to prevent resentment from silently wrecking relationships — with friends, partners, siblings, coworkers, anyone.

by the end, you’ll know how to say what you need clearly, kindly, and confidently… without guilt, without drama, and without letting resentment build in the background.

i talk about:

the “resentment rule” that completely shifts your relationships
why gen z is great at identifying triggers but avoids voicing needs
how resentment grows from assumptions — and how to stop it
how to actually use dbt’s dearman to make a clear request
why your ask must always have a yes/no answer
how to identify the real issue underneath irritation or hurt
the dbt check the facts skill and why it prevents so much unnecessary conflict
how to talk about needs without being passive-aggressive or avoidant
the fast skill for communicating boundaries without losing self-respect
how to stop people-pleasing while still protecting the relationship
exactly how to phrase a specific, doable change someone can make
when naming a trigger “tames it”… and when you actually need something to change

mentioned:

dbt interpersonal effectiveness worksheets

SHOP GUEST RECOMMENDATIONS: https://amzn.to/3A69GOC

About She Persisted

She Persisted is THE Gen Z mental health podcast. In each episode, Sadie brings you authentic, accessible, relatable conversations about every aspect of mental wellness. Expect evidence-based, Gen Z-approved resources, coping skills (lots of DBT), insights, and education in each piece of content you consume. She Persisted offers you a safe space to feel validated and understood in your struggle while encouraging you to take ownership of your journey and build your life worth living.

a note: this is an automated transcription so please ignore any accidental misspellings!

Sadie: [00:00:00] You cannot resent someone for a need that you've never communicated. We operate our daily lives, giving ourselves grace and others blame. We're super aware of our triggers, but we're very avoidant of voicing those and addressing them and working through them. If naming that trigger doesn't tame it, and you still need to change it, by the end of this episode, you will know exactly how to say what you need without the guilt, without the drama, and without the resentment.

Welcome to She Persisted, the Gen Z Mental Health Podcast. I'm your host, Sadie Sutton. Let's get into it.

Hello, hello and welcome back to She Persisted. We have another solo for you today and I'm gonna talk to you guys about a strong opinion that I have that I think has been very helpful in my personal life and my friendships. And also in more professional context, like at work. Also with more challenging relationships like with siblings.

This is one of my. Favorite reminders to tell myself, and I truly think that it has made [00:01:00] my relationships stronger and healthier and also helped my mental health. So I have a rule where I do not allow myself to resent someone if I have not communicated with them the issue.

I think a lot of us think that we are allowed to feel resentful. If someone does something, we're allowed to have an emotion in response to it, and that's absolutely true. It's not effective for us to try to control our emotions or tell ourselves how to feel about things. But if you haven't told someone what you don't like about the situation or why it makes you uncomfortable or why it's.

Ineffective in the relationship. They may have no idea, and so then it's completely unfair to have ill will negative feelings treat them differently if you haven't given them a chance to change the situation.

So you cannot resent someone for a need that you've never communicated. If you haven't told them, they don't know. And if they don't know, it's not fair to hold it against them. So how can we fix this?

I think a lot of Gen Z is really familiar with [00:02:00] resentment because we're very emotionally aware. We are good at naming the experience. We're aware of things like our attachment styles. We're super aware of our triggers, but we're very avoidant of voicing those and addressing them and working through them.

So instead of being direct, we avoid the discomfort. We avoid saying something to the other person. We hope the person gets it through. A cold shoulder or treating them slightly differently and when they don't change from those subtle cues you're giving them, we feel really resentful. So I'm gonna give you guys the exact framework that I use so that resentment never has a chance to build. so we're gonna talk about this resentment rule that has changed every relationship in my life.

We're gonna talk about the Dear man skill from DBT and how this fits in this situation, we're gonna talk about why checking the facts will save you from 80% of unnecessary conflict in your relationships. We're gonna talk about how to figure out the real issue beneath that irritation.

And we're gonna go over the fast [00:03:00] scale because it's important to protect your values, prioritize yourself for respect, while also maintaining your relationships. So by the end of this episode, you will know exactly how to say what you need without the guilt, without the drama, and without the resentment.

So we're gonna start with this rule, and I love a mental health rule. TikTok hates my mental health rules because they're very black and white. But I find it really helpful to have these guardrails in place where if I notice myself straying from them, it's a really easy way for me to say. I'm doing something that I know isn't good for me, so how can I adjust that?

And if I don't have a rule or a guardrail in place, it's really easy to just slowly over time change your behavior and then you end up in a really ineffective, overwhelming place, struggling in a really big way. And one of these rules is that I refuse to resent people for things that I haven't communicated.

So if something bothers me, if I need something to change, if I feel hurt, confused, dismissed, or overlooked, I have to give the person a [00:04:00] chance to fix it before I start to resent them. And that means telling them, it doesn't mean hoping that they'll change it or. Giving them the cold shoulder or being passive aggressive.

It means directly telling them the thing and giving them an opportunity to adjust. And this is the truth that most of us don't want to admit. Most people have no idea that they're upsetting you. They're not mind readers. They're not catching the hints that you think you're steadily dropping. They're not analyzing the way you've slightly talked to them differently Or have been slowly ghosting them. They're living their own lives consumed with their own issues. and what's crazy is that most of this resentment and discomfort that you are experiencing, not to mention the relationship challenges that occur when you don't communicate it are really avoidable if you have one direct, clear, honest conversation.

Unlike other emotions like anger or blame or shame, the root cause of resentment is unspoken expectations. So my rule is that if I haven't said it, I cannot hold it [00:05:00] against them. And this is really uncomfortable because it forces accountability. It puts the onus on you, not on them magically figuring out that they've transgressed.

But it's also really empowering because you are back in the driver's seat of your relationships, not waiting on someone else to magically meet your needs. So the moment I notice that I'm starting to feel resentful or upset or uncomfortable or likely having the urge to avoid, I say to myself, I'm starting to get resentful.

Have I communicated what I don't like about this situation? And then I take action

There's no more passive aggression. There's no more waiting for them to magically figure it out, and there's no more checklist in the back of your mind of you adding up all the reasons that this person is making you angrier and angrier and doing things wrong in your eyes when again, you haven't communicated it.

So let's talk about how to communicate this in a really effective psychology backed way. we are gonna do some DBT, Which you know I love and is the skillset [00:06:00] that I pull from most frequently. This is one of the most popular DBT skills. You have probably heard of the dear man if you are familiar with DBT at all,

it is the interpersonal scale you use when you want to get an objective met in an interpersonal relationship. And that doesn't just mean wanting to get something from someone. It also means communicating a boundary or making a request. Anytime you need to make something happen in a relationship, we can use the dear man framework.

And there's a lot of research on why this is the most effective way to approach this, especially when it's a relationship that is already struggling or there's other mental health challenges present.

So we have an acronym. Dear man, describe express, assert, reinforce, be mindful, appear confident, and negotiate.

And if you remember one thing from the skill, it's that your ask has to be objective and they have to be able to give a yes or no response. If there is not a yes or no answer, after you've made your request, you have not done it right. So we start by describing we [00:07:00] completely objectively describe the situation.

No judgements, no emotions, just what happened objectively, observably.

So we're not saying you ignored me, you're saying you read my message at 3:00 PM and then didn't respond until the next morning. If it can't be described a hundred percent by someone else who's not there in this situation, it's not objective enough. And this is important because the moment you start interpreting or assuming or attaching your emotional experience to it, the other person becomes really defensive because their lived experiences are different.

And in DBT, there's a kernel of truth in everyone's lived experience. And so when we stay objective, we build that common ground before making our request, and then we have to express what's happening. This is the why And we're not blaming the other person. we're offering clarity and insight.

You could just objectively say, this is what happened, and I'd like you to change it. but that's a big ask of someone if you don't make that emotional appeal of, this made me uncomfortable. This was upsetting, this hurts the [00:08:00] relationship, this made me feel dismissed.

This was really stressful. This was confusing. People need reasons and they are much more likely to help when they understand the emotional impact it's having for you. It doesn't mean that they owe you a change in their behavior, but they're more likely to do so if you give them that reason and give them that insight into your emotional experience. There's also that sacrifice that you're making. You're showing, I want to improve the relationship. I'm going to you and talking about why this is making me uncomfortable, or why this isn't working, and you're not putting all the responsibility and hard work on them.

Then the most important part of the Dear Man skill is the assert. You make a request that requires a yes or no question. We're not having the other person do the work of understanding what they should change and how they should change it, and what you need to get your needs met. Okay, so you're making a request with a clear yes or no answer.

This means no. Maybe you could or I wish, or a vague hint or expecting them to read the between the lines. A very [00:09:00] clear request.

So could you send a text when you're running late

And if your request does not have that yes or no answer, it's not a request. It's a hope and a wish and they are so much less likely to respond effectively. And then if we wanna go into the rest of the dear man's guilt to make this as effective as possible and give it the greatest chance of an outcome, we also wanna make it reinforcing.

So what do they get from this? This helps prevent miscommunication. This helps me be more effective and calm and not resentful. What is in it for them if they do this thing you're requesting? We're also being mindful. We're staying on track. We're present. We're staying calm, we're being non-judgmental, we're appearing confident.

You don't need a 20 minute preface about why you're sorry. You're making this request. You are advocating for yourself intentionally, and then you negotiate. If they say no to your initial yes or no offer, how can you meet in the middle and find that middle path solution? And it's not sacrificing your [00:10:00] needs and becoming resentful.

It's finding a solution that works for both of you.

so if responding right when a text comes through isn't doable, could you send an update when you see it?

And again, compromise is healthy. It's an effective solution. self abandonment or resent is not.

So if this is my rule that I don't feel resentful towards someone unless I've given them an opportunity to change the behavior.

I'm also doing everything on my end to reduce that resentment because going around and asking everyone to change at all times to make you feel more comfortable is not a very effective way to live life, and it's gonna burn a lot of bridges and cause a lot of challenges in your relationship. So in addition to giving people opportunities to change, I also do everything on my end to try to avoid feeling that resentment in the first place.

And my favorite way to do this is by checking the facts before you approach them, before you communicate that you want something to change. We need to check the facts objectively of the situation. And so again, we're [00:11:00] going to A DBT scale. We have the research to prove that this is a really effective way to reduce your emotional response, to be more effective in your relationship and not spiral when something happens.

And so we ask ourselves, what do I know happened and what am I assuming happened? Because resentment thrives on assumptions, and most of that resentment is living in the judgments. You've attached to the situation, not what actually occurred. and so when we check the facts, we're not looking at the situation and saying things like, they did that on purpose.

They don't care. They're ignoring me. They're meant to be hurtful, but we're giving them the benefit of the doubt and asking what is another explanation that's equally possible, but also not assuming the worst of someone else.

So the first step here is to objectively describe what happened. You sent a text, it got read at a certain time and they didn't respond. You might have other facts about the situation where they really busy, where they studying for an [00:12:00] exam, were they traveling? What other information do you know to be objectively true?

Yeah. And then we can apply this benefit of the doubt to not assume the worst of them, but give them the same grace that we give ourselves. Things like they were overwhelmed, they misread the situation, or they genuinely didn't know. And this is one of my favorite psychology facts, We operate our daily lives, giving ourselves grace and others blame. if you were late to a meeting. The way that you explain that, is there was traffic, the bus was delayed.

My roommate moved my keys. We attribute our misstep to external circumstances. I'm not a person who's late. I'm not someone who is rude. These external things happen that cause me to act in this way. But when you see someone else being late, we attribute that to the person, not the situation. They're rude, they're disrespectful, they can't manage their time, they don't care about me.

When they could have had the exact same objective things take place that, caused them [00:13:00] to act in that way. And so that's a really important bias to be aware of in every single relationship, which is that you are giving yourself the benefit of the doubt and extending yourself a lot of grace, and the majority of the time attributing your missteps to the environment and attributing others' missteps to them as a person.

And this is also true about others. They are attributing your missteps to you as a person and not the environment. It's just the bias that we as humans hold, and it can be really ineffective if we just go about our lives without recognizing that and trying to course correct. So extend the same grace that you give yourself to others.

Think about the contextual factors that might have caused this thing to happen, and not just why they might be bad as a person.

And what's great about going through this process is that once we detach the judgments and the assumptions from the facts, a lot of the emotional energy is taken out of it. And once we extend that same grace that we extend to ourselves to others, we feel a lot less [00:14:00] resentful. So you may not even have to communicate to the other person that you'd like something to change because you've been able to work through that resentment yourself.

But if you check the facts and you extend the other person's grace and you think about why they might have acted the way they did, and you're still feeling resentful. This is when we need to sit with the issue and figure out what's actually coming up here because we can't ask people to change if we don't understand. What needs to change? Again, you're just making a wish and a hope and a vague request.

If you are asking someone to change something, you should be the one doing the legwork to clearly communicate what needs to be different and why it's not on them to understand what happened in your life that's making this upsetting or triggering or whatever.

And this is what's really hard about resentment. It's similar to anger where it's a secondary emotion. We don't just feel angry over nothing. We feel anger and response to sadness or shame or guilt.

That person did something that hurt me. So now I'm angry at that person because I'm feeling sad. and resentment is the [00:15:00] same thing. I feel ashamed, I feel guilty, I feel sad, and I'm feeling resentful towards them because they caused that emotional response in me. So

you're never. Just feeling resentful.

You're feeling resentful in response to an emotion that you're having about what happened.

And usually that's how they did something. It's the tone, it's the timing, it's the context, it's the history, or again, it's that emotion that it triggered in you.

And so here are some examples.

Sadie: You're not mad that they relate. You're mad because it made you feel unimportant and unvalued. You're not mad because they forgot to respond to your text. You're mad because it made you feel invisible and overlooked and forgotten. you're not mad that they made that joke.

You are mad because that's a sensitive spot for you from whatever happened years earlier. These things aren't objectively bad. It's the emotional responses we're having to them and the judgments we're talking to them. So sit with that discomfort and follow it to the core issue.

And once you identify what that real issue is, it is 10 times easier to [00:16:00] communicate and like we know from a lot of emotion research. Naming it, tames it. It reduces the intensity of an emotion.

So sitting with that discomfort and being like, I'm feeling resentful in response to feeling sad because this made me feel like I was unimportant and not good enough.

And if I'm not good enough, does that mean I'm not good enough for anyone? And what does that mean if I'm as a person just. Is not good enough at all. Like what does that mean for my life? And

Sadie: realizing that and sitting with that takes a lot of the power away from it, and you don't end up in that emotional spiral.

and once again, we wind up at that realization that we don't even necessarily need to communicate the resentment or feel that resentment because we've been able to work through that emotion by understanding where it came from and why.

But sometimes we do need to name it to tame it, and then we change it. And that's when we use the dear man skill after really clearly understanding why we're feeling this way and what needs to change to address that. And again, a lot of the [00:17:00] time it's not just the behavior itself. Maybe it is a slightly different way of approaching it or pairing it with validation or over communicating.

and this is a really important step in this, advocating for a very specific change, not making someone walk on eggshells around you for the rest of your life. so, if you do go through the process of checking the facts and sitting with the discomfort and understanding why this is upsetting for you, even after giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and understanding these external things that might have made them act in this way.

If you do decide that it needs to be changed and you do need to communicate, this is the part that's really important.

You can't ask them to change their entire personality. You can't ask them to fix this trigger that exists for you. You can't ask them to do the emotional work of understanding why that's upsetting. You're asking for something really specific externally that they can change, that improves the relationship as a result.

So instead of stop being [00:18:00] so rude, you say. When I'm talking, could you wait just a second before jumping in? It makes me feel like you're actually listening instead of just talking over me. It's a really specific, actionable, doable thing. And again, it's a yes or no response. They should be able to either do this behavior or not.

Very clearly, it's not. Can you be nicer? Can you be on time more often? Can you be more present? That's really vague and abstract and different for everyone. You need to be able to have that objectively observable yes or no behavior, that will result in an improvement in the relationship, and you're taking accountability for the fact that you are the one asking for that change.

It's vulnerable and acknowledge that. When this thing happens, I feel this way, and I don't want that to impact the relationship. Once you've sat with that discomfort and understood what is truly happening in that dynamic, communicate that be vulnerable, and again, people [00:19:00] respond a lot better when you are vulnerable and clearly communicate why you want something to change and why something is upsetting for you. so be aware of that. It is a big ask to expect someone to change, to make you feel more comfortable. So own that. Take accountability and do as much of the legwork as possible.

And a lot of this episode we've talked about things that we can change in ourselves or things we can ask others to change to make that internal, experience. Less uncomfortable. But a really important part of this puzzle is also maintaining our self-respect. And this is why in DBT, we have skills that prioritize objectives.

We have skills that prioritize the relationship. We also have skills that prioritize our ability to maintain our self-respect. We don't wanna go so far in one direction of overly advocating for what we want at all costs and ruining the relationship. We don't wanna do the opposite, completely apologize and overcompensate for making a request that feels reasonable. And this is where we use the fast scale. So we're [00:20:00] being fair to both you and them.

And a big part of this is checking the facts, not attaching assumptions and giving them the same grace that you give yourself.

And also, if you're making a request at all, you're being fair to yourself by honoring this thing that is causing discomfort even after you've tried to solve it yourself. We're also not apologizing for a reasonable request, and that's the caveat. Is it a reasonable request? Again, we're not asking others to walk on eggshells around us or change something really vague or adjust their full personality because we did that.

Dear man, of yes or no, can you change this specific thing? It's a reasonable request and you can apologize for how you responded. How you were ineffective, but we're not apologizing for having a need that hasn't been met, that we'd like to get met in the future.

We're also sticking to our values.

The biggest part of communicating something that bothers you to avoid feeling resentful. Is honoring that emotional response, which is oftentimes tied to your values if so, it's really important [00:21:00] to clearly communicate that you feel disrespected if someone is late or doesn't value your.

And we're being truthful. We're not exaggerating, we're not saying it's fine when it's not. We are very directly acknowledging that this was negatively impacting you and that you would like something to be different in the future.

So if you are a people pleaser, this is the DBT skill that allows you to advocate for yourself and stop feeling resentful

Without falling into that trap. So, To make this really clear and really easy, you cannot resent someone if you have not given them an opportunity to change it. And we can expect people to change if we haven't communicated that request.

So. If you notice resentment building, check the facts of the situation. Is this based on what actually happened or what you assumed happened? Are you giving yourself grace while blaming the other person? Figure out what the real issue is, what emotion or a past experience is being triggered. It's likely not the one behavior.

It's an old pattern. It's an old [00:22:00] dynamic. It's an uncomfortable emotion. It's a core belief. What is really the trigger here, If naming that trigger doesn't tame it and you still need to change it, we communicate that using Dear man, we make a really objective request that they can objectively change and say yes or no to integrating in the relationship.

And we're not making people guess how they can solve this or improve the relationship. We're very clearly advocating for what needs to happen and why, and we are expressing that need. So that people are more likely to respect it and to avoid people pleasing and chickening out on setting that boundary.

We are using the fast skill to stay aligned with your values and protect yourself while also protecting the relationship. And all of this can be boiled down to that one rule. You cannot resent someone for something you haven't communicated. So how can we either address the resentment or clearly communicate what's bothering us? So if this episode made you think of someone, if you're resenting them, if they're resenting you, send them the podcast, I'm sure it would be a [00:23:00] great non-direct way to communicate this.

Don't do that. Follow the steps and communicate it directly and make sure to save this episode for the next time you feel irritated. You feel like being passive aggressive. You feel like you're starting to resent someone future. You will. Thank you. Come back to those final steps at the end,

Listen through to easily either work through the resentment or communicate what needs to change.

So if you guys enjoyed this week's episode of She Persisted, let me know if you like these really micro, direct clear episodes outlining why something is important and how you can implement it in your own life.

Leave me a comment below on Spotify or YouTube to let me know what you think. Make sure to follow along at at She Assisted podcast. And if you leave a review for the podcast and send me a screenshot, remember one of you gets a coffee on me every month and bonus entries if you post on social media and tag me.

So with that, I'll talk to you guys next week.

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