245. you’re not bad at friendships! (here’s what’s happening)

Jan 8

listen to this episode:

if you’re struggling with finding new friends as a postgrad, this episode is for YOU. in this solo episode, i’m sharing my favorite ways to make friends, stay connected, and avoid feeling lonely after graduating college! from making time to be social despite your new 9-to-5 to keeping in touch with long-distance friends, this episode covers every friendship topic for your post-college era.

i talk about:

the mindset shift i made to avoid feeling lonely as a postgrad
how college social dynamics are so different from postgrad ones
catering your professional life to your social needs
finding motivation to be social even when you’re super busy
what everyone needs to know about loneliness
common habits we often overlook that are making you lonely
why so many postgrads are more likely to feel lonely
my life hacks for preventing loneliness in the first place as a postgrad
creative ways to keep in touch with long distance friends + family
and so much more!

mentioned:

SHOP GUEST RECOMMENDATIONS: https://amzn.to/3A69GOC

About She Persisted

She Persisted is THE Gen Z mental health podcast. In each episode, Sadie brings you authentic, accessible, relatable conversations about every aspect of mental wellness. Expect evidence-based, Gen Z-approved resources, coping skills (lots of DBT), insights, and education in each piece of content you consume. She Persisted offers you a safe space to feel validated and understood in your struggle while encouraging you to take ownership of your journey and build your life worth living.

a note: this is an automated transcription so please ignore any accidental misspellings!

Sadie: there was a lot of changes that happened in my life, graduating college, moving somewhere completely new I started working full-time.

having approached this era of building friendships and relationships so differently, I realized that loneliness that I felt came from waiting until I felt disconnected to actually do something about it.

I want you to remember that loneliness prevention is a lot easier than loneliness repair. So how can you prevent that feeling before it shows up?

Welcome to She Persisted, the Gen Z Mental Health Podcast. I'm your host, Sadie Sutton. Let's get into it.

In 2026. We are going to be type aing, our friendships, our relationships, and our connection. We are going to be setting ourselves up for success. We are going to be solving the problem before it even arises.

And we are gonna be doing the preventative work to avoid those feelings of loneliness and disconnection and misunderstanding from ever even arising.

So as I mentioned in last week's episode, there was a lot of changes that happened in 2025 in my life, graduating college, moving somewhere completely new where I knew no one [00:01:00] and nothing. my day-to-day looked very different. I started working full-time.

A big piece of that was my relationships. I lived a lot further from family. My day-to-day was a lot more consumed with work, which meant that those social interactions and connections were not as flexible as they used to be. I didn't have that like stable support system that I did in college of my friend group and friendships that I had established to feel seen and supported and understood. And because I was forced to go through this, I am meeting all new people and building a full new support system and learning to maintain my relationships in a different context.

I was able to reflect on how I approached this and what worked and what didn't, and what really worked for me was to solve the problem before it even arose. So last week I talked about how can you put yourself in situations where you don't have to rely on willpower and motivation and emotions to drive you to where you wanna be?

And this is something I learned from Angela Duckworth's class. We'll link those [00:02:00] episodes in the show notes because they're so fascinating. But applying it to my social life was something that I really hadn't thought about before, but was hugely effective.

And this was really surprising because I think in the past when I felt lonely, it felt like I was bad. I felt like I was the one that was doing something wrong. Like I was bad at friendships. I was failing at the connection.

I wasn't being vulnerable in the way that other people were. There was like some social skill that I was missing, like other people were doing something that I was not. And it was unclear what that was. It was like the, the loneliness was a result of some deficit in the way I was showing up in my relationships.

And so having approached this era of building friendships and relationships so differently, and from such a preventative standpoint, I realized that loneliness that I felt in the transition to college or in high school it didn't necessarily come from not having people in my life.

It came from waiting until I felt disconnected to actually do something about it. [00:03:00] And so when I approached moving to a new state, living by myself, working with new people, and making friends with people I had never met before in my entire life.

I did the opposite and I overcompensated and over-prepared

and I work to alleviate that loneliness before it even popped up. And that's not to say that there haven't been times where I'm like, oh, kind of feeling lonely today, or, wow, I haven't seen my friends in forever.

And we used to get to hang out any night and get coffee every morning in college. And that's really different. Or it's really hard to get to see family as much because I work nine to five and have a job. And vacation days are a thing. It doesn't mean that doesn't exist. It absolutely does but I've done a lot to prevent those feelings from being all consuming and existing day in and day out, and feeling really uncontrollable and overwhelming.

And there were a couple of things I kept in mind when approaching this new era of life, of rebuilding every single relationship ever and a new routine in a [00:04:00] new place, in a new dynamic.

Little, crazy, little overwhelming. The first was what we talked about last week, which is how can I put myself in a situation that will give me the outcome I want without me having to do additional things outside of that to get that thing? And that sounds really vague and crazy to explain, but to simplify and apply that to this situation.

Instead of thinking like, okay, I'm going to work a nine to five job, and then how am I gonna make friends in this new city, in this new place? What clubs do I join? What things do I sign up for? Where do I go to meet people? I thought, where can I work? Where I have built in friends that all see nine to five Monday through Friday and feel seen, understood, and connected.

So I, I looked for that when I was deciding what research role to take. And I'm so happy where I ended up because I have five coworkers who are also full-time post-back researchers, which means that they're doing full-time psychology research.

They just graduated college and I have two girls that I share my office with. And [00:05:00] seeing these people Monday through Friday, nine to five, you best believe my social battery gets filled. I also was really aware of like, okay, what's the larger community I'm working in? Because yeah, you might have some people in the office that are around your age or that you get along with, but like is it just you guys always and is it really lonely?

We have a lot of grad students. My boss is really hands-on and involved. We have a ton of undergrads who are coming in throughout the week, and so again, where can I get these benefits without having to do additional work on top of these things that I already have to do? And the other thing here that's super helpful to remember is that we don't rise to the level of our goals. We fall to the level of our systems. We tend to go back to our routines and our habits that are established rather than having some random spurt of motivation and using willpower to do the things that's good for us, but maybe isn't fun in the moment. So whatever commitments you're making, any of those things that are gonna go in your schedule and take up a large amount of your time and [00:06:00] energy, I want you to think about is there a way to have built in friends and connection here?

And I also wanna add a caveat here that like your social battery might be very different. Like maybe for you, your social battery is not totally filled from like hanging out with coworkers and talking about what you guys are up to, or what you're watching or what you're doing. And that is totally fine.

And so understanding that about yourself and figuring out okay, what context do I put myself in to know that I can still get those social needs met? If that's gonna be outside of my day-to-day routine at work or whatever. It's, so that's the first thing. The second thing I was really aware of was something I learned from Dr. Marisa Franco. We're gonna link her episode on the show notes. It's one of your guys' favorite interviews on She Persisted, and it's one of mine as well. And she talked about how when we feel lonely, that loneliness drives us to isolate more.

Even if the antidote to that feeling is going out and connecting and socializing and being with others. When we feel lonely, the loneliness causes us to withdraw and isolate and not interact. So I was also aware that like. [00:07:00] in the event that I did start feeling lonely, I probably wasn't gonna wanna do anything different about it.

And then I was also really aware of how loneliness was likely going to show up. If that was something that I was going to experience in a big way, which is that it wasn't gonna wake up one day and be like, oh my God, I'm lonely. I have no one in my life that feels like I'm seen or heard or connected or understood.

It was gonna be the result of being really busy a lot of weeks and not having a social battery to go out and do other things to build connection. It was gonna be a result of having less social support from family and friends that I had established in college because my day to day looked different. It

Was gonna be the result of not having as much flexibility in my schedule to see people, because you're in a nine to five and you have vacation days and logistical constraints like that, and so I was aware that by the time I felt lonely and my brain started telling me, no don't socialize, isolate.

Because when we feel lonely, we withdraw more. It was gonna be even harder to then reach out and try and get to know people and try and be vulnerable and try and make those relationships. Because then you're navigating [00:08:00] two things. You're fighting against your own urge to withdraw, isolate, not talk to people and you're also trying to rebuild and establish that support system at the same time.

It's a lot, it's really overwhelming. And so it's really not surprising that this doesn't work for a lot of people. And you just continue to feel lonely and overwhelmed and isolated. I get it. and so instead of approaching this of okay, when I feel bad, when I feel lonely, when I feel disconnected, who can I reach out to?

I asked myself, what kind of connection will keep me from getting there in the first place? Like how can I prevent these feelings altogether? And there was a couple of things. The first one was that established connection where I will be seeing people at least 40 hours a week in my place of work.

Regardless of what is happening in my life, regardless of what my social battery looks like, regardless of any of that, I will be interacting with people for at least 40 hours a week. That makes things easier.

And then I thought about, okay, but just like interacting with people, like I probably sat in 40 hours worth of classes a week with random people in college that I never had a single [00:09:00] conversation with that didn't make me feel, seen, heard, and understood what could I do within those 40 hours to prevent that loneliness from popping up and.

That means making yourself feel seen and heard and connected. And so I was really intentional and I continue to be intentional about talking and sharing things that are going on and relevant to my life. And I'm not saying just talk about yourself all the time and annoy everyone around you.

But if I'm watching a show or if the life of a showgirl is coming out, or if the heirs toward docuseries is airing, or if I'm reading a book or if I had a tough conversation, I bring that up. Not unlike a trauma dumpy, here's everything that's going on in my life, please listen to it. But just in like a, I've said something, people are aware oh, I'm so tired.

I didn't sleep well last night. Oh my gosh, this week is so busy. I have been avoiding doing my laundry for three days. I cannot wait for the, a store documentary to come out. I'm counting down the days. I'm so excited.

And when you do that, you also are creating an [00:10:00] invitation for other people to do the exact same.

So when I'm like, I can't wait for the Taylor Swift docuseries to come out, I'm really hoping other people are also like, here's what I'm watching right now and here's how I feel about it. Or my entire Spotify robbed was Taylor Swift. What was your Spotify rap? Tell me your artist, what were your thoughts about it?

And one thing that makes us feel really good in relationships is helping others. And so knowing that you are creating a space where other people feel okay about talking about things that they're going through or feel comfortable bringing up things that they're excited about, and that you'll respond with the same enthusiasm that you hope they will respond to you with is a really great thing to do and a good feeling to have. So talk about your hobbies, talk about your interests, it is so much easier than waiting for someone to ask what's going on, because again, we're. So locked into our own experience. Obviously we care about what's going on with others and we're curious and we wanna make sure we're supporting them.

But unless someone says something, you have no idea if it's a hard day for them or if something excited happened, or if they wanna share something good with you, like you just don't know. So be the one [00:11:00] to start that conversation, be the first one to share, and it really speeds along the process and prevents those feelings from popping up. The other thing that I planned and was intentional about was checking in with others. I am sure there's someone in your life that you're like, I have not texted them in months, or, I have absolutely no idea what's going on in their life right now. And we used to talk every day.

Again, we fall to our systems, not rise to our goals. And this is also true for social interactions. And so. what I did when I started this new job was I gave myself a lot of grace, and I understood my social battery is going to be shot. I'm going to be so overwhelmed from meeting all these new people and being so focused and doing all this training and learning all this new things, and I just moved and I'm in a new state and things are overwhelming.

Like I am not gonna be able to have the social battery to spend two hours on FaceTime after work, catching up with my friends or family. So what I did instead was I created a routine on the weekend i'll call my grandmothers and check in.

I'll call my friends and [00:12:00] see if they're around to answer the phone. On the weekdays, when I'm driving home from work, I try and call my siblings or my parents. It's a 10 minute drive. It's really quick. Neither feels the need or the necessity to stay on the phone for three hours because we're having these smaller check-ins throughout the week, and I built it into things that were already happening, which is on the weekends I'm running errands and going to the grocery store, or like going to Home Goods or Target.

So on my way there, I would give a call to these people where I have these longer, more in depth conversations. And the other thing that I do, which is gonna be different for everyone, but I'm very much like a media person. I'm watching a lot of tiktoks. I'm reading books, I'm watching TV shows. One of my love language is definitely sending random tiktoks and videos and Instagram content to people who, it makes me think of them.

And so I didn't feel any resistance about that. Whenever I see a funny TikTok that I think my family would enjoy, I send that to the group chat. When something funny happens, I take a picture, send it to them. Same thing with extended family. Same thing with friends and coworkers. [00:13:00] I know sometimes we tell ourselves that's a cop out.

Like Sending tiktoks isn't like establishing that's not true. Thinking of someone, whether they just popped into your head on a random day or you saw something funny and were like, they would absolutely love that. That a hundred percent count. So whenever those things happen, I am like, more than okay and let myself pass those things along and send them.

I think that also is another effective buffer because again, it's built into something you're already doing, which is consuming content, being on social media, watching a TV show and translating that to your offline IRL relationships. So really the big takeaway here was doing the legwork of the relationship Before I was given an opportunity to sharing the things that I would want other people to ask about, asking about the things I would want other people to share.

Giving that vulnerability without waiting for someone to pry it out of me. And then establishing low lift, sustainable connection within my routine. I didn't try and do things that required a lot of energy or a big amount of my social battery or a lot [00:14:00] of effort, especially because I knew I was gonna be more overwhelmed in this season of life and in this transition.

I hope this was helpful to understand that loneliness doesn't have to be something you fix once you feel it. It is something that you can prevent by building those connections, especially when you're in a new context, it's these small, sustainable moments that keep you consistent when things get busy or overwhelming.

So if you are feeling lonely, I wanna remind you that nothing is wrong with you. There are so many steps you can take to shift that feeling that don't have anything to do with your internal and who you are as a person and what you're like as a friend and what you have to bring to the table in relationships. I want you to remember that loneliness prevention is a lot easier than loneliness repair when it comes to psychology, when it comes to how we work as humans when it comes to how we show up in relationships. So how can you prevent that feeling before it shows up? And if it has shown up, how can you take these small, sustainable steps to build relationships where you feel seen and heard and [00:15:00] understood without socially burning out? So if you enjoyed this week's episode, leave a review, subscribe, follow along at actually persisted podcast. And I would love to hear from you what your best advice is for someone that's feeling lonely. A, they'll see in the comments that someone else has been there and felt the way that they're feeling and they're not alone.

It's not just me talking to the void. There are other real people also listening and in the same spot. And give them a tip that's helped you feel less alone, less isolated, less misunderstood, that they can implement in their life. So with that, I'll see you next week

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